As life seems to get more and more hectic with the upcoming holidays, added to the pressures of every day life and work, I watch people become less and less connected to the reasons why they celebrate the holidays in the first place. Feelings are shown with gifts....many of which are more in tune with the givers than the receivers. I was just talking to a friend last night about how people over extend themselves this time of year and then spend a great deal of time through the new year dealing with the hardship that creates.....many a time bringing depression and feelings of inadequacy that they couldn't give 'more'.
This is the time of year for sharing thoughts, feelings, emotions. If you could give one gift in these days of chaos and stress, (actually this should apply for the entire year) it should be a true expression of what's in your heart, not your wallets. And equally for those on the receiving end, is the gift of giving the senders the time of day to express what's in their hearts....to listen, to be interested in what's happening in someone else's life other than your own. It's about giving not getting.
There's an expression "talk is cheap". That doesn't relate to sharing from the heart....just sharing platitudes and words that have no basis in heart or soul. Those are just words. And if someone is special to you, then tell them. Not in expectation of getting anything in return, but for the sake of their knowing what's truly inside you.
And if it's the gift of time, then it can be more precious than anything in the world. And if it's a hug, your presence if you're far away.....that in itself is a gift of self....of a lifetime.
Oh I love getting presents like the rest of you....especially if much thought went into the choosing and giving. But I would give my eye teeth for one-on-one time that can't be bought or measured......time with which memories of a lifetime are created like magic.
Oh you know what to do and who to pick up the phone to call. Even better...who to call to make reservations to get on the next plane or train. A call is a perfect first step and who knows where that will lead? I can promise you, the expression on the receiver's face will be one you'll never forget. Those pictures will stay in your heart forever.
All the better : )
Donna Karlin
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Monday, December 15, 2003
Listening
There's a chapter called "The Winter of Listening" in "The House of Belonging" (David Whyte). I've reread this passage many times and each time look at it from different perspectives. There are three short passages in that poem that have stuck in my mind more than the rest....
"All those years
listening to those
who had
nothing to say
All those years
forgetting
how everything has
its own voice
to make
itself heard
All those years
forgetting
how easily
you can belong
to everything
simply by listening"
I wonder if we look at "all those years listening to those who had nothing to say" and see ourselves within that sentence. How many times did we speak for the sake of hearing ourselves talk, with no substance whatsoever? Or how we automatically take what someone in a position of power says for virtue of their level or position, and not knowledge or expertise? And, yet from another perspective, do we listen because it's what we want to hear even when the words don't seem to ring true?
So isn't it time we just listened? To others....to what's in our hearts......to the world around us just as it is?
Over the past few weeks I've heard so many tell me of people in their lives who are "wired"....who never stop, always looking for another way to do things, or do more, when they'd be better off to just "be", experience silence and let the world in?
"All those years forgetting how easily you can belong to everything simply by listening...."
Stop. What do you hear? And when is the last time you became one with the world rather than fighting life every step of the way?
<----a listening
Donna Karlin
"All those years
listening to those
who had
nothing to say
All those years
forgetting
how everything has
its own voice
to make
itself heard
All those years
forgetting
how easily
you can belong
to everything
simply by listening"
I wonder if we look at "all those years listening to those who had nothing to say" and see ourselves within that sentence. How many times did we speak for the sake of hearing ourselves talk, with no substance whatsoever? Or how we automatically take what someone in a position of power says for virtue of their level or position, and not knowledge or expertise? And, yet from another perspective, do we listen because it's what we want to hear even when the words don't seem to ring true?
So isn't it time we just listened? To others....to what's in our hearts......to the world around us just as it is?
Over the past few weeks I've heard so many tell me of people in their lives who are "wired"....who never stop, always looking for another way to do things, or do more, when they'd be better off to just "be", experience silence and let the world in?
"All those years forgetting how easily you can belong to everything simply by listening...."
Stop. What do you hear? And when is the last time you became one with the world rather than fighting life every step of the way?
<----a listening
Donna Karlin
Friday, December 12, 2003
Do you talk too much?
When you talk too much you can do many things; lose your target audience completely where they shut you out not hearing a word you say, convince the person or persons you're talking to that you're not interested in their input whatsoever, or, even more damaging, convince your audience that you're really not sure of what you're talking about in the first place, hiding behind volume of information rather than quality. (get the picture re: rambling?)
Not only do others begin to avoid you like the plague, but in turn will not share their ideas and insights with you because they feel you're not interested.
If you even think you're rambling, then you are. If you find yourself struggling to keep quiet and listen, then stop the struggling and open up to the possibility that you don't know everything there is to know and the only way to counteract that is to practice effective listening.
Use the one minute concept. If you need more than one minute to get your point across, then you need to learn focus and prioritizing. If at that point the listeners want more information it gives them the opportunity to process what you've said and ask clarifying questions.
And if you know someone who does ramble, then don't automatically assume they're aware of it. Only through constructive feedback can they learn to recognise when they, are and make appropriate changes in their communication patterns.
You are doing them a favour in pointing it out in a respectful, constructive way.
Remember, people ramble for many reasons....if they're excited or nervous about doing a presentation in which case practicing those skills will combat the problem. They can be unprepared or not sure of the reason why they were asked to make the presentation trying to please everyone at the same time, therefore waffling back and forth.
It can be to cover embarrassment, being cautious, clarifying thoughts out loud or needing the interaction. For many it's because they live with "talkers" at home, can't get a word in edgewise so make up for it big time at work.
First step in improving is to be aware, to be mirrored and given constructive ideas for change with lots of practice in the (what I like to call) "short, sweet, to-the-point" methods of communicating.
It doesn't matter how knowledgable or intelligent you are. If you've lost your audience, no one will ever know.
Best!
Donna Karlin
Not only do others begin to avoid you like the plague, but in turn will not share their ideas and insights with you because they feel you're not interested.
If you even think you're rambling, then you are. If you find yourself struggling to keep quiet and listen, then stop the struggling and open up to the possibility that you don't know everything there is to know and the only way to counteract that is to practice effective listening.
Use the one minute concept. If you need more than one minute to get your point across, then you need to learn focus and prioritizing. If at that point the listeners want more information it gives them the opportunity to process what you've said and ask clarifying questions.
And if you know someone who does ramble, then don't automatically assume they're aware of it. Only through constructive feedback can they learn to recognise when they, are and make appropriate changes in their communication patterns.
You are doing them a favour in pointing it out in a respectful, constructive way.
Remember, people ramble for many reasons....if they're excited or nervous about doing a presentation in which case practicing those skills will combat the problem. They can be unprepared or not sure of the reason why they were asked to make the presentation trying to please everyone at the same time, therefore waffling back and forth.
It can be to cover embarrassment, being cautious, clarifying thoughts out loud or needing the interaction. For many it's because they live with "talkers" at home, can't get a word in edgewise so make up for it big time at work.
First step in improving is to be aware, to be mirrored and given constructive ideas for change with lots of practice in the (what I like to call) "short, sweet, to-the-point" methods of communicating.
It doesn't matter how knowledgable or intelligent you are. If you've lost your audience, no one will ever know.
Best!
Donna Karlin
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
Tips for Leaders
Congratulations....you’re a manager!
Now what?
You’ve gone from being managed to doing the managing without benefit of the “how to” book (and no...manuals rarely work. As an executive coach you know I’m going to say experience beats any book, and if you don’t believe me, believe statistics. www.abetterperspective.com/coaching_statistics.htm )
So how do you make that transition? The speed with which organisations change put people into roles they’re nowhere near ready for, breeding overwhelmed, under-qualified people with power. And it’s not that they’re not capable. It’s just that they’ve been put into positions without the proper training and told to “just do it”.
Large companies wouldn’t hear of letting someone loose with a piece of heavy equipment without the proper training, but they’d let the same people loose on unsuspecting hopeful staff with no training at all.
So here is my short, sweet, to the point list for starters. And then, before things turn reactive instead of proactive and you’re always trying to keep your head above water, call in a Coach, preferably a Shadow Coach who can translate awareness of skills into action and make you aware of your shortcomings so you can improve and learn from them. A leader doesn't necessarily have to know everything there is to know about the doing. He/She needs to have the skills to recognise these talents in others and lead them. Then they'll be starting off from a position of power rather than fixing what’s quickly broken.
Here’s my list:
1. Never do what you can delegate. And once you delegate, empower them to do it themselves and trust that they will.
2. Never forget where you were before you got there.
3. No one likes a know-it-all. Everyone has more to learn and much to listen to. One has power WITH people, not over them. And the first step is to harness their expertise and share yours with them to help them grow.
4. Lead each one individually according to their strengths. A team is not unique, but the people within the team are.
5. As unique as each individual is, so is their talents. Harness them in such a way that you have groups of people who work as cohesive teams, each with its own strengths. Through this you’ll not only get the job done, but create a strong vision for the future. This is because they take ownership in creating it.
6. Just because you’re asked to do something doesn’t mean you have to,. Pick and choose what you spend your energy on and you’ll always have enough to do what needs to be done with plenty left over to explore what you’re passionate about.
That's about it....for now.
Best!
Donna Karlin
Now what?
You’ve gone from being managed to doing the managing without benefit of the “how to” book (and no...manuals rarely work. As an executive coach you know I’m going to say experience beats any book, and if you don’t believe me, believe statistics. www.abetterperspective.com/coaching_statistics.htm )
So how do you make that transition? The speed with which organisations change put people into roles they’re nowhere near ready for, breeding overwhelmed, under-qualified people with power. And it’s not that they’re not capable. It’s just that they’ve been put into positions without the proper training and told to “just do it”.
Large companies wouldn’t hear of letting someone loose with a piece of heavy equipment without the proper training, but they’d let the same people loose on unsuspecting hopeful staff with no training at all.
So here is my short, sweet, to the point list for starters. And then, before things turn reactive instead of proactive and you’re always trying to keep your head above water, call in a Coach, preferably a Shadow Coach who can translate awareness of skills into action and make you aware of your shortcomings so you can improve and learn from them. A leader doesn't necessarily have to know everything there is to know about the doing. He/She needs to have the skills to recognise these talents in others and lead them. Then they'll be starting off from a position of power rather than fixing what’s quickly broken.
Here’s my list:
1. Never do what you can delegate. And once you delegate, empower them to do it themselves and trust that they will.
2. Never forget where you were before you got there.
3. No one likes a know-it-all. Everyone has more to learn and much to listen to. One has power WITH people, not over them. And the first step is to harness their expertise and share yours with them to help them grow.
4. Lead each one individually according to their strengths. A team is not unique, but the people within the team are.
5. As unique as each individual is, so is their talents. Harness them in such a way that you have groups of people who work as cohesive teams, each with its own strengths. Through this you’ll not only get the job done, but create a strong vision for the future. This is because they take ownership in creating it.
6. Just because you’re asked to do something doesn’t mean you have to,. Pick and choose what you spend your energy on and you’ll always have enough to do what needs to be done with plenty left over to explore what you’re passionate about.
That's about it....for now.
Best!
Donna Karlin
Saturday, December 06, 2003
Leaders
I've written a great deal about leadership lately, as it's an issue that comes up with many of my clients. Leaders create an environment in which everyone has the opportunity to do work which matches his/her potential capabilities.
As Claude Taylor puts it "Certainly a leader needs a clear vision of the organization and where it is going, but a vision is of little value unless it is shared in a way so as to generate enthusiasm and commitment. Leadership and communication are inseparable".
A leader translates the skills of his/her staff into achievable results by sharing and enabling ownership of a common vision for success.
A manager maintains his/her way is the only way, ruling by influence of power rather than empowerment of others.
A huge difference.
When one believes in a leader's vision, he will do his utmost best to make it a reality. And when one does not, collaboration is not there, disconnect happens and there is a breakdown in process, compromising the possibilty of success. Are you a leader or manager? The proof is in the "what is" not what you perceive it to be. And the level of success is a direct measure of that. The first step is to take notice of what is standing in your way of performing and leading. Most of the time it's getting out of your own way.
Best..
Donna Karlin
As Claude Taylor puts it "Certainly a leader needs a clear vision of the organization and where it is going, but a vision is of little value unless it is shared in a way so as to generate enthusiasm and commitment. Leadership and communication are inseparable".
A leader translates the skills of his/her staff into achievable results by sharing and enabling ownership of a common vision for success.
A manager maintains his/her way is the only way, ruling by influence of power rather than empowerment of others.
A huge difference.
When one believes in a leader's vision, he will do his utmost best to make it a reality. And when one does not, collaboration is not there, disconnect happens and there is a breakdown in process, compromising the possibilty of success. Are you a leader or manager? The proof is in the "what is" not what you perceive it to be. And the level of success is a direct measure of that. The first step is to take notice of what is standing in your way of performing and leading. Most of the time it's getting out of your own way.
Best..
Donna Karlin
Thursday, December 04, 2003
Phoenix
definition:
1. Mythology. A bird in Egyptian mythology that lived in the desert for 500 years and then consumed itself by fire, later to rise renewed from its ashes.
2. A person or thing of unsurpassed excellence or beauty; a paragon.
As legend has it, the Phoenix is a mythical bird-like creature that rises in triumph from the ashes of its destruction. The story of the Phoenix captures the story of resurrection and carries with it a connotation of life, death and rebirth that was an integral part of the ancient mythologies of both Eastern and the Western traditions.
Its story can parallel the life of many, mine included. How often I hear how a person was inspired by another, enough to enable them to turn their life around and make it into something of their choosing, not a mere existence. The mental picture of a phoenix is one of strength and beauty that can soar high in the sky. When you meet that special person, who, in a word, or, sometimes in silence, validates you your whole paradigm changes. You begin to look at yourself through those eyes as one with value and something to contribute to the world. Your energy increases and, to use another analogy, you soar and nothing can bring you down.
Some of us are lucky enough to have been touched in some way by someone such as this to the point where you leave your past life, one of mere existence and stagnation to one of joy and purpose, rising from the ashes to fly. And then look out. Nothing can stop you. And, with that, you can turn around and make a difference in someone else’s life. The biggest gift you can ever give....helping someone truly live their lives and make something special from every single day.
Best..
Donna Karlin
1. Mythology. A bird in Egyptian mythology that lived in the desert for 500 years and then consumed itself by fire, later to rise renewed from its ashes.
2. A person or thing of unsurpassed excellence or beauty; a paragon.
As legend has it, the Phoenix is a mythical bird-like creature that rises in triumph from the ashes of its destruction. The story of the Phoenix captures the story of resurrection and carries with it a connotation of life, death and rebirth that was an integral part of the ancient mythologies of both Eastern and the Western traditions.
Its story can parallel the life of many, mine included. How often I hear how a person was inspired by another, enough to enable them to turn their life around and make it into something of their choosing, not a mere existence. The mental picture of a phoenix is one of strength and beauty that can soar high in the sky. When you meet that special person, who, in a word, or, sometimes in silence, validates you your whole paradigm changes. You begin to look at yourself through those eyes as one with value and something to contribute to the world. Your energy increases and, to use another analogy, you soar and nothing can bring you down.
Some of us are lucky enough to have been touched in some way by someone such as this to the point where you leave your past life, one of mere existence and stagnation to one of joy and purpose, rising from the ashes to fly. And then look out. Nothing can stop you. And, with that, you can turn around and make a difference in someone else’s life. The biggest gift you can ever give....helping someone truly live their lives and make something special from every single day.
Best..
Donna Karlin
Monday, December 01, 2003
Managing Energy
One of my favourite quotes comes from my mother and goes something like this "As we get older, God in his infinite wisdom, let our eyesight fade so we shouldn’t see the wrinkles and lines that appear. Man in his infinite stupidity invented glasses which just magnifies them all". I love that one Mom!
So what I learned from that as I creep closer to my 50th birthday is to not wear glasses when I'm anywhere near a mirror. Works for me! Seriously....it's one's energy that's apparent to others more than wrinkles (and by the way, I've earned every single one).
Most of us take a great deal of pride in multitasking. Speaking to a client just the other day, he remarked that doing a million things at once is "a woman’s thing". Well, I'm not so sure about that, even though mothers do tend to have to learn to have 10 sets of hands and eyes in the back of their heads while doing at least 5 other things at the same time. That I do agree with. Been there, done that.
My son used to tell me that I'd come home from work both wired and "green" (or exhausted) at the same time. He was right. So it was time for me to restructure my day, my work and the scheduling of client and prep time. When demand exceeds our capabilities, we either have to find a way to clone ourselves (which hasn't been done yet) or figure out another way. Either that or we start burning out. We are forever starved for time and try to cram more and more into each day. It’s not a matter of managing time as much as energy, especially as you get older. And this takes into account the four areas of life; physically energized, emotionally connected to those around us, focused and mentally aware, and spiritually in alignment with our vision or our purpose in life.
Without achieving this balance, we become short tempered, and unfocused. We go home at the end of the day to collapse on the sofa or easy chair with very little patience for life, feeling overwhelmed with the smallest of things. Our sense of joy has all but disappeared and now we’re into coping mechanisms to "get us through one more day".
Does this make sense? Is anything worth that kind of sacrifice?
So it’s time to shift paradigms. Instead of managing time (and yes, there’s definitely a place for that as well) it’s managing energy....changing eating patterns, limiting coffee and increasing water consumption, not relying on drugs (and yes, caffeine is a drug) to keep us going. Instead of trying to avoid stress, looking at it as an energizer...a challenge, one to rub your hands together with glee and jump in with both feet. It's grasping life and getting rid of "bliss-blockers"...pruning your life of what’s toxic and truly living it instead of finding a way to get through it.
It's taking time for what's important...an energizer in itself. And if you notice I didn't say making time, I said taking it....it's choosing how you spend your time, a different mind and energy set in itself.
You know how energized you get when you take time to "play". So what’s stopping you?
Best...
Donna Karlin
So what I learned from that as I creep closer to my 50th birthday is to not wear glasses when I'm anywhere near a mirror. Works for me! Seriously....it's one's energy that's apparent to others more than wrinkles (and by the way, I've earned every single one).
Most of us take a great deal of pride in multitasking. Speaking to a client just the other day, he remarked that doing a million things at once is "a woman’s thing". Well, I'm not so sure about that, even though mothers do tend to have to learn to have 10 sets of hands and eyes in the back of their heads while doing at least 5 other things at the same time. That I do agree with. Been there, done that.
My son used to tell me that I'd come home from work both wired and "green" (or exhausted) at the same time. He was right. So it was time for me to restructure my day, my work and the scheduling of client and prep time. When demand exceeds our capabilities, we either have to find a way to clone ourselves (which hasn't been done yet) or figure out another way. Either that or we start burning out. We are forever starved for time and try to cram more and more into each day. It’s not a matter of managing time as much as energy, especially as you get older. And this takes into account the four areas of life; physically energized, emotionally connected to those around us, focused and mentally aware, and spiritually in alignment with our vision or our purpose in life.
Without achieving this balance, we become short tempered, and unfocused. We go home at the end of the day to collapse on the sofa or easy chair with very little patience for life, feeling overwhelmed with the smallest of things. Our sense of joy has all but disappeared and now we’re into coping mechanisms to "get us through one more day".
Does this make sense? Is anything worth that kind of sacrifice?
So it’s time to shift paradigms. Instead of managing time (and yes, there’s definitely a place for that as well) it’s managing energy....changing eating patterns, limiting coffee and increasing water consumption, not relying on drugs (and yes, caffeine is a drug) to keep us going. Instead of trying to avoid stress, looking at it as an energizer...a challenge, one to rub your hands together with glee and jump in with both feet. It's grasping life and getting rid of "bliss-blockers"...pruning your life of what’s toxic and truly living it instead of finding a way to get through it.
It's taking time for what's important...an energizer in itself. And if you notice I didn't say making time, I said taking it....it's choosing how you spend your time, a different mind and energy set in itself.
You know how energized you get when you take time to "play". So what’s stopping you?
Best...
Donna Karlin
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