Top Ten Sleep Thieves

A colleague of mine Ramiro Ponce wrote this piece which I thought brilliant.

With his permission I am honoured to share it with you. Please share your insights and perspectives...

Next time someone desperately comes to you asking for some “sound advice” during hard times, beware. The person may be suffering from “Sleep Thieves”.

The” Top Ten Sleep Thieves”, as I call them, are derailed, tempting thoughts/behaviors we all have during hard times of perceived or real loss - times of anxiety and stress. Far from being abnormal, they are very natural ways in which our mind tries to deal with uncertainty when there are no clear signals or direction indicators “outside” about what’s best to do in the face of it (uncertainty).

Overcoming them usually requires increasing self- awareness, and some kind of re-framing of the context/situation, re-sizing it and daring to ask for help. Phrases like “There's life after “X” - fill in your organization-, “there are more fish in the sea” or questions like “what's the worst that could happen? are colloquial, practical ways to stimulate this re-sizing of the problem. Almost always immediate relief is experienced because we touch base with reality again.

The arguments presented in the "Reflection" part of the section below may be useful for you when you –as leader or team member - are confronted with questions which look for certainty in uncertain times. E.g. "Look, they're offering me this job, but I'm afraid to leave now. On the other hand, things here are just worsening. What should I do?" Because anxiety caused by uncertainty doesn't necessarily decrease with certainty, you must NOT answer the question, but rather stimulate the other person to look for the indicated context.

For example, you could answer: "Well, what would you say your scenarios are? Leaving / Staying? Things go wrong / things go OK.? Try mapping your options on a 2 x 2 table, analyze them and decide".

When the Thieves are active, day to day managerial interventions of this type can make all the difference between the success or collapse of the transition process in the organization. Of course the concepts underlying the “thieves” presented here are not new. But systematizing them in an accessible, practical, and usable way may add real value to you in your daily role as a coach, leader or team member.

Thieves and Reflections

1. Rush decisions: “I’d better leave at once…”
Reflection: What if things improve around here? Imagine scenarios, don’t decide immediately

2. Extreme “Love”: “I won’t be as capable as I’ve been here at any other place…”
Reflection: There’s life after “X” (this organization)”. Write down your skills inventory/look outside

3. Clogged brain: “I can’t even think…my mind is in blank” …”
Reflection: What’s the simplest scenario I can visualize? Start with ANYTHING.

4. Dejection: “What’s the use of going on?”
Reflection: Has giving up on oneself ever brought something good to anyone? Begin picking up your own pieces. Pay attention again to those “little things” (personal appearance, punctual again, and so on)

5. Hostility: “I won’t strain myself anymore... to hell with all this…”
Reflection: Is this the way I want to be remembered here? How you leave is more important than how you arrived.

6. Detachment: “This is business as usual…no need to be dramatic”
Reflection: It’s OK to feel and be even-tempered. It’s not OK to be indifferent and lower one’s performance.

7. Denial: “Me?... I’m just trying to help!”
Reflection: Dare to ask your team mates: How do you see me? Am I sometimes part of the problem? Ask for specific examples.

8. Bargaining (with life, God, your boss…): “If they only gave me more money, training, time…”
Reflection: Is there a chance to drive forward sensibly if you look always at the rear mirror? Go; move ahead, even if the scenario is far from ideal.

9. Temporarily going down: “Maybe it’s me, I’m not good enough. Oh my… oh my…”
Reflection:

• What’s the worst that could happen?
• How did I get out of similar situations?
• Who can help me?
  

10. Control Need “I have to turn this around (on my own)”.
Reflection: Is this really under my control?
Look around you, verify common symptoms of loss in other people, find a shared positive goal.

Ramiro Ponce is ICCO Board Member, Executive Coach, Engineer-Psychologist and develops leaders and their teams throughout the Americas.

http://www.ramiroponce.com/
e-mail: rpf54@intelnet.net.gt

Taking Stock of What's Happening

There’s a lot going on these days. People are stressed, no two ways about it. I’m observing a ‘tired’ group of executives whose staff are looking to them to ‘fix’ things. Well, no one has a magic wand, or… does everyone have a magic wand?

It’s the latter as you are your own magic wand.

It’s time to take stock of what’s happening that’s within your control and perspective and make necessary and wanted changes accordingly.

“Stress is the body and mind’s response to any stressful pressure that disrupts the balance in the mind or body. It occurs when our perceptions of events don’t meet our expectations and we don’t manage our reaction to the disappointment. As a response, stress expresses itself as resistance, tension, strain or frustration, that throws off our physiological and psychological equilibrium, keeping us out-of-sync and stressed-out.” - Doc Childre and Howard Martin

What magnifies stress even more is when one dwells upon that which upsets them in the first place, rather than creating a future they want. If you dwell on that which you don’t want, you will continue on that downwards spiral.

So what are some key points to that magic wand?

1. Stop doing what you don’t want to do. I’m not talking about your job. I’m talking about every day things you got talked into or felt you were obliged to do. Do things because you really, really want to do them. When it comes down to it, if you stopped doing things out of obligation, chances are most people won’t even notice anyways. Doing things you don’t want to do depletes your energy and when you’re stressed you don’t have a heck of a lot of extra energy to waste.
2. Guess what I’m about to say! Start doing what you want to do. Fill a part of your days with things you love to do. When you’re doing what you’re passionate about you’ll be energized, optimistic and a downright pleasure to spend time with. Know what that’ll do? People will want to spend more time with you and if you’re having fun, stress flies out the window.
3. Speaking of which….find someone you want to spend time with and visa versa. That goes for just being, ‘playing’, talking, mentoring, sharing and brainstorming. That best friend, partner, reality checker…someone who will accept you at your best and worst and visa versa. It’s been proven if you don’t have that close friend and feel like you’re in this life on your own, you’ll be wearing the problems of the world on your shoulders. Why in the world would you want to do that?
4. Don’t let doubting Thomases talk you out of your dreams and while you’re at it, make those dreams really big! It’s hard to be stressed when you’re working towards your dreams.
5. Need less. I’m not saying want more. That’s different. Needing things because you want them is a whole other ball came. Wanting things and being able to have them now and then is a gift. Needing them and being unhappy until you get them will shift the focus away from what you truly have right now…and to appreciate it all.

There's more but I think this will give you a good head start.

I’ll leave you with this….

“It’s not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.” - Hans Selye

Best!

Donna Karlin

To Don't List

Robyn Greenspan, Editor in Chief of ExecuNet sent me a piece on “Making a “to don’t” list. I’m not one to write to do lists (to me they’re wish lists) or make new year’s resolutions. For those of you who work with me you’ll know what I mean when I talk about setting intentions. Robyn’s list is a different perspective and an important one. I loved it and, with her permission am sharing it with you.

Here is Robyn’s “to don’t” list i.e. actions and behaviours to stay away from in the new year.

Don't....

· Set unrealistic or unfair expectations of myself. Say, “yes” to everything without first assessing the emotional, professional, personal, karmic ROI.

· Neglect to quickly give credit to the team.

· Solely focus on short-term benefits unless it is a pathway to accomplishing long-term goals.

· Get complacent.

· Count on anything before it is a reality.

· Forget to network because it often benefits someone other than myself.

· Stop critically thinking, but refrain from always shooting holes in others’ ideas.

· Always eat the goodies in the kitchen without bringing some to share too.

· Lose sight of the fact that I can replace my job but not my family.

· Stress!

I’ll leave you with this…

“You were born to be exceptional, to blaze a trail into territory where no one has ever gone before. Choose today, and every day, to let your own unique, exceptional light shine brightly for all to see.” - Ralph Marston

If you don’t choose to be who you know you are, then someone else will define it for you. If you’re trying to be who others believe you should be, then who in the world will be you? The greatest contribution you can make is to be your authentic self and to let others see that it’s OK for you to choose being you. That way, they in turn can choose to be themselves as well. It’s not only acceptable; it’s celebratable!

Best!
Donna Karlin

10 Tips to Creating an Amazing 2009

1. Become incredibly selfish, not self-centered. It's all about your willingness to take care of yourself and choose what you want and how you want it. The less selfish you are the more you'll put up with what isn't acceptable in your life.

2. Eliminate delay. That's my motto...how I live my life so I don't throw away time which is a very precious commodity. If you become a quick responder (not reactor) you won't be bogged down with a list of "shoulds", "have-tos" and "haven't gotten to life yet".

3. Thrive on the details as that's where you'll learn. You'll also learn to appreciate the little things so you can enjoy them, not just the big momentous occasions in your life.

4. Show others what pleases you. If you have the right people in your life...those who care about you both personally and professionally they want to know and if you show them you can ask for what you want, then it might just give them the 'permission' to ask for what they want in their lives as well. That's the ultimate gift to the people in your life.

5. Sensitize yourself...be aware of everything around you and how you process it all.
Pay attention to the world around you. Pay attention to your intuition. Be mindful. You will learn more from paying attention than anything else.

6. Choose your environment. There's a reason why there's a saying "you are a product of your environment" so make it a great one and that's all aspects of your environment, people, physical space, mental, network, learning...the works

7. See how perfect the present really is. You've heard me ask "what's so perfect when it clearly isn't?" well if you see right now as perfect that question becomes a moot point. It's easier to do than you think!

8. Become unconditionally constructive. The meaning of this is evident. Constructive can also mean constructive destructionism. Approach the new year with the perspective of having to eliminate what is no longer working by choice and replacing it with what will work for the future.

9. Establish reserves in all areas. Have enough everything...money, time, space, relationships so you can make the choices you need to make rather than have circumstances make choices for you.

10. Raise your standards. Decide how well you wish to live and make choices to orient your life, friends, work, goals and lifestyle around these standards. Standards means the bar you set for how you want to live your life. It's not always money related, remember that.

Make 2009 amazing!

Best!
Donna Karlin

Turning Nothing into Something

It's been a while since I've written. Between the chaos in the Canadian Government, constant change in the public service, a few challenging situations in my home life and the work I've been doing south of the border, finding the time to write even a short blog post was a challenge. In the middle of all this, I was asked if I would do a free webinar on time management. My response was "No. I won't do a webinar on time management because it's not about juggling time, saving time, managing time or re-organizing time; it's about how you respect yourself in relation to time."

I remember Thomas Leonard saying "Work is an expression of one's values; struggling is an expression of one's unmet needs. Either you are creating your life or the circumstances are." It was even more paramount during this intensely chaotic time to be able to say yes to the right things and no to the rest. That's step one in respecting yourself in relation to time. The more you give away the less you have to make a difference in your life and the lives of others.

For me there is nothing more important than to impress upon you that the more difficult life seems to be, from struggling economy to a sea of change initiatives wherever you look, remember that all you have is time...time to do, to learn, to express, to explore, create, live and have an impact. If you throw it away, then what will be left is regret.

Wouldn't you prefer to celebrate? Here's the way to get started. FunctionFox Webinar Series Presents; Time Mastery: Take Back Your Life...One Choice at a Time

Thursday January 8, 2009 2 PM Eastern 11AM Pacific
Free 30 minute webinar with 15 minute Q+A following.
Click http://www.functionfox.com/events/ to register

Best...
Donna Karlin

Take Note: The International Journal of Coaching in Organizations (IJCO) is a publication that has no equal. It brings a depth and breadth and an understanding to coaching in organisations that goes beyond any other publication I know of. I am proud to be a sponsor for this journal. Here’s an excerpt from a recent interview with Julio Olalla, founder of Newfield, one of the world’s foremost transformational learning organizations.

“Well, for example, if you physically live in pain, it doesn’t mean transformation; it means that you are living in pain. If an organization lives in suffering, it doesn’t mean anything. If the suffering is brought to a context of reflection and practice, it can generate a new future. So, in other words, if suffering is used as a revealing force, it’s enormously powerful. You may have organizations where people are suffering, for instance, because they’re not listened to. Now, they can keep suffering because nobody is willing to listen, and in that case suffering is not doing its job. But if we are willing to listen to it, it can be enormously revealing and get us into new and different actions.

Suffering could be a sign the same way that a pain in our body is a sign.”

This interview appeared in Issue 2, 2008 of IJCO. It is free and available for download until January 31, 2009. Click here to go to the IJCO website to download your free copy. Julio is regarded as a master at creating safe environments that accelerate people’s potential for new thinking and action. William Bergquist, the International Journal of Coaching in Organizations (IJCO) Co-Executive Editor, interviewed him in May 2008 at the Newfield offices in Boulder, Colorado.

And take a moment to check this out: From the award-winning documentary, "Playing For Change: Peace Through Music", comes the first of many "songs around the world" being released independently. Featured is a cover of the Ben E. King classic by musicians around the world adding their part to the song as it travelled the globe.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Us-TVg40ExM

Talk about the world becoming a much smaller place. Puts some things in perspective, don't you think?

How To Be Better Than Great

I was talking to a dear friend and fellow Coach the other day about ‘waiting for a crisis to change our ways of being’ as it applies in all aspects of our life, work, personal relationships, and health, as well as the health of an organization.

To say human beings process things in a certain way, in this case waiting until things are ‘broken,’ is to give validity to a perspective or paradigm that doesn’t serve us. Why wait for a crisis to implement change or rethink and reinvent something? Why not just create something incredible to start with, when everything is already good?

Could it be we automatically settle because amazing things happen to someone else, not us? Is it possible we don’t want to ‘press our luck’? Many have a hard time getting past their successes and so stop dead halfway to their dreams. Many become workaholics and yet won’t redefine their lives until their partner is about to ‘walk.’ There are those who won’t redefine how a company operates until it’s in crisis and about to go under. Why wait until the last moment when digging yourself out is so much harder than building something new on a foundation of great?
I believe we can do our best when we have the conversations we need to have with people in all fields of practice. It’s not just talking to clients or colleagues, it’s talking to everyone and anyone to find out their story, how they got to where they are. How does it apply to you?

Questions I ask my clients are simple yet shine a light on what they have to pay attention to. One of the key questions is "What aren't you thinking of?" That might sound strange yet those who stumble and feel as if they can't figure out why they're stagnating are looking at the same solutions they tried over and over again. What haven't they tried? What haven't they paid attention to? As a Coach that's one of my main focuses....to make sure I can help them see beyond the immediate.

The second question is "Who do you need to talk to that you haven't spoken to yet and what does that conversation have to look like?" Again people have a wealth of knowledge and wisdom, however if it doesn't apply to you or where you dream of going then you have to ask the right questions to get the right answers. So again I ask "What does that conversation have to look like?"

Sometimes what I do as a coach isn't adding something; often it's the removal of something which might be an assumption, an expectation or a judgment. Remove what stands in your way and there is clear sailing. I ask you this... What do you need to know that you don't know? How is it relevant when it comes to removing roadblocks in your life?

Best!
Donna Karlin

Just Perfect

I recently started with a new client, someone very high level in the organization and wasn’t sure what to expect as not only was she a new client but was new to the organization, so I hadn’t yet seen much of her in action.

As I usually do before starting my day Shadow Coaching™ my client is to see ongoing clients for a few moments for reality checks, scheduling, contracting and just to touch base. This organization is going through a major restructuring at all levels. Every department is short-staffed and on top of this, all the systems have to be changed to meet the growing needs. Their entire world is in a state of flux. Those in positions of leadership are doing twice the hours they were doing before to pick up the slack and to create a strategy for implementation of this giant re-org. Needless to say, tempers are short, people are burned out and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight.

Strangely or wonderfully, I’m not sure which would be the most appropriate term, this one particular day seemed to be a turning point for me in my work because it was as if a switch was flipped and all of a sudden, many of my clients ‘got it.’ They realized why I was saying what I was saying and gave it back to me in spades.

When this re-org began and they weren’t quite sure which foot to put in front of which first, a couple of my clients were having a very rough time. In our sessions I turned to them, separately and at separate times and asked, “What is so perfect about this when it clearly isn’t?” One almost threw something at me and the other cracked up because he’s never quite sure what will come out of my mouth. It was the start of a long insightful conversation.

Well a few months have passed and here I was with this new client standing at the elevator to go to a meeting when one of my other clients asked me how my day was going. I smiled and said “Fascinating” because it was….but they always are! He started grinning and turned to me and asked “What is so perfect about it when it clearly isn’t?” I told him just being asked that made it absolutely perfect!

He got it. He knew what I was dealing with, new leadership and all, and although I love chaos and the unexpected, after all it’s my life in a nutshell, he knew I saw it as perfect, just as he started seeing his chaotic world. Because of the change in perception, he started having fun with the craziness. Bottom line is, if you can’t enjoy the most intense, unpredictable times and those times are going to be sticking around for a while, then get out because in the world we live in, things are no longer predictable, no matter if you’re at the top of the totem pole or the bottom.

When I got to the meeting room another client who was having a really rough day saw me 'Shadowing' my client and started smiling. When I asked why the smile? She said “I was just trying to figure out how I could tell you just how perfect this craziness is”. Yep….life is just perfect.

Can you look at something that happened to you today and ask yourself “What was so perfect about this when it clearly isn’t?” and have an answer? It works. And it’s contagious. Try it with your staff or peers when they’re going through a particularly rough time and see how the attitudes change on a dime. Fascinating!

It might sound simplistic, yet defining perfection for you is never simple. What it does is put things in perspective, take the power away from the chaotic moments and put it back in your hands. Nothing simple about that, not by a long shot.

Best!

Donna Karlin