Over the past few weeks on the other blog, ExecuBooks Blog, we’ve been blogging on leadership, Evidence-Based Management, and the power of charm. We’re talked leadership, bantered, debated and looked at our fellow bloggers perspectives on these subjects and one thing became very clear to me and that is one doesn’t necessarily have to be a leader in every realm of life. It can be one area of work, life, learning…anything that makes others dream, learn do more, and realise their full potential. If anyone inspires you to that, then that person is a leader, not by virtue of position or title but by who they are and how they look at the world and those within it.
Whenever we’re lucky enough to have met someone who acknowledges us for who we are and what we might be, that leader will have lit a fire under what is to be our highest potential.
Don’t look for leaders, be aware of them when they present themselves. They might not be corporate or political leaders. They might be the wise old man or woman on the corner who, for whatever reason of their own, decides we’re worthy enough to be the recipients of their stories, words of wisdom and insights, hoping we’ll pay attention….or not. Perhaps they see in us what we don’t yet see and seek to inspire us through a narrative or anecdote from their past that we can relate to and draw a parallel to. Whatever reason…leaders are everywhere, in some realm of life.
Are you paying attention?
I can tell you when I was first approached to be a contributor to the ExecuBooks Blog, I was thrilled to be asked and knew it would help me hone my writing skills, never mind, perhaps reach more people than I could in my personal blog alone. However never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d made such a connection with many of my fellow writers and how much they have inspired me, helped me learn, grow, see other sides to life and the world as it is and how very lucky I am to be in such amazing company. Each one of the contributors leads, teaches and inspires. Whether or not they realise it, the ripple effect goes way beyond anything they’ll ever know.
I’m paying attention.
Best!
Donna Karlin
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Are You in Email Hell?
I have been asked about email management so many times I thought it should rate a blog. I get about 300 to 350 email messages on average each day, including personal email. At the end of the day, there are no unread, ‘unresponded to’ emails left in my inbox. I often hear “How do you stay on top of your emails?” or “The one thing I can’t seem to get a handle on, is keeping up with my emails!”
Even though it’s a peripheral part of the work I do with my clients, I thought I’d let you in on some tips to get out of email hell.
Even though it’s a peripheral part of the work I do with my clients, I thought I’d let you in on some tips to get out of email hell.
Your inbox should be a ‘No Parking Zone’.
- Set up filters or rules wherever you can. I have a ‘rule’ for newsletters, another for the School, one for my blog, Information Requests through my website and well, you get the idea. This way they’re automatically filed and you can get to them when you want/need to. I don’t have to wade through all 300 or so to figure out which are urgent and which I can read whenever.
- I configure my Outlook to have a preview so I can see the gist of my email before opening it. That way I can pretty much determine whether or not it’s urgent.
- I read each email once when at all possible (and it’s almost ALWAYS possible). If I read each one twice, then I’d have 600 emails a day and that is just ridiculous. Why do twice the work? If I open it, I do something with it. With the preview set up, it’s easier to figure out what has to be opened first. I apply the Touch Paper Once Rule to emails as well. Trash File Delegate or Act. I cannot tell you how many clients look at the same email 3 or 4 times. It boggles the mind. At that rate, they will never be on top of their correspondence!
- Anything that requires a long response goes into a special folder with a flag and completion date so I’m reminded to get to it.
- I schedule in time through the day to process my emails….and I stick to that scheduling commitment.
- I tell friends, family and colleagues to please (very politely so as not to insult) cease and desist with jokes, petitions, news clipping etc. For those people in your life who you KNOW will be insulted if you ask this of them, set up a rule where they go into a file or bin and you can either glance through them when you feel like it or, if you know you’re not ever going to read them let the rule guide them gently to the trash bin. Remember…it’s not the person you’re rejecting. It’s the email overload that’s keeping you so busy you don’t have time to meet them or call them to catch up. Now which would you rather do?
- If you’re way behind and have hundreds in your inbox, you’re likely to procrastinate thinking you have to tackle it all in one fell swoop. If that’s you, then what I suggest is that you start doing this right now with today’s emails. Once you’re applying these tips, process the 10 most recent ones that have been parked. If you do that each time you tackle your current email, you’ll have eliminated all the old ones in your inbox in record time and will be able to stay current.
I do have a BlackBerry so I can process emails at short breaks through the day. This also keeps me on top of any scheduling changes. Nothing like showing up to a meeting that’s been cancelled or relocated. Is technology working for you or is it a make work project? Remember, technology is just a tool. How you use it is up to you. - If your email is anything like mine, when I get back from a trip or vacation, I have an overflowing inbox that is about to explode (figure out a week or two times about 300 emails a day. It’s too daunting to verbalize) I take one day off before heading back to work to read, scan, process and answer my emails so when I’m back, I’m back, and can hit the floor running from square one. It’s automatically factored into my time off.
- And last but not least, when responding? Make sure you’re clear, definitive and give enough information back because otherwise you’ve just generated 2 or 3 more guaranteed responses in your inbox if you don’t.
Effectively yours : )
Donna Karlin
*Note: Welcome new subscribers (88 and 89) from Puerto Rico and Sri Lanka. I hope you stay awhile, and share your thoughts and insights with us for a long time to come!
Friday, July 14, 2006
Leading By Inspiration
I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog. I was waiting for the launch of another blog I’m contributing to because the topic is way too good to only write about it once. “If Harry Potter Ran General Electric” How perfect is that? To check out my blog post on that subject, go to www.execuBooksBlog.com as we launched, today!
I am going to say it. I’m a sucker for anything magical, whether old folklore which captures the imagination or the Harry Potter stories. He’s the kind of character that makes you hold your breath and cheer for him no matter if he’s in a Quiddich match (no easy feat) to finding himself in the gravest danger. I watch his courage and sense of fair play, his personal integrity and his striving to be the best he can be, in school and with his fellow classmates. There are many dimensions to the Harry Potter story. The same goes for the multidimensional levels of responsibility and intensity my clients live each day, especially when deep inside a crisis, chaos all around them. They rise to the occasion because of their innate leadership and sense of what’s right. People follow these leaders because of example and by virtue of who they are and how they live, not because of their position in the organization.
I see it from the lowest person on the totem pole to the highest. Bottom line is, leaders have a vision, they have energy to go after that vision, they share and inspire others to take part and make things happen and instill a sense of energy into the organization. They don’t talk leadership. They emulate it.
It’s magical.
Years ago when I was on a creative call with Thomas Leonard and we were talking about evolutionary progressions we spoke of leading by inspiration. There are three levels when working with others. 1) Interdependent 2) is interdevelopmental and 3) is intermagical. Interdependent is when you rely on someone else to get the job done. You get the support and it’s over with…mission accomplished. Interdevelopmental is when you rely on someone else to get the job done, but in the process you both evolve and develop into a level of excellence and knowledge you didn’t have before. But intermagical….well, that’s the special place to be when working with others. That’s when you not only rely on someone else, evolve because of the work you do with them but it’s absolutely magical just because. The synergy is there, the joy of popping out of bed each morning and the feeling that you can’t wait to hit the floor running with this person because you know something amazing is going to happen, even if you’re not sure what that something might be. It energizes you, inspires you to greatness and a level of energetic enthusiasm you never had before. Definition of leader don’t you think? Do you see Albus Dumbledore in there, just a little?
How are you inspiring others intermagically? You know what it feels like. What do you have to do to be it….live it?
Looking forward..
Donna Karlin
*Note: I heartily recommend Tom Morris' book "If Harry Potter Ran General Electric". Click here for more information or to buy the book
I am going to say it. I’m a sucker for anything magical, whether old folklore which captures the imagination or the Harry Potter stories. He’s the kind of character that makes you hold your breath and cheer for him no matter if he’s in a Quiddich match (no easy feat) to finding himself in the gravest danger. I watch his courage and sense of fair play, his personal integrity and his striving to be the best he can be, in school and with his fellow classmates. There are many dimensions to the Harry Potter story. The same goes for the multidimensional levels of responsibility and intensity my clients live each day, especially when deep inside a crisis, chaos all around them. They rise to the occasion because of their innate leadership and sense of what’s right. People follow these leaders because of example and by virtue of who they are and how they live, not because of their position in the organization.
I see it from the lowest person on the totem pole to the highest. Bottom line is, leaders have a vision, they have energy to go after that vision, they share and inspire others to take part and make things happen and instill a sense of energy into the organization. They don’t talk leadership. They emulate it.
It’s magical.
Years ago when I was on a creative call with Thomas Leonard and we were talking about evolutionary progressions we spoke of leading by inspiration. There are three levels when working with others. 1) Interdependent 2) is interdevelopmental and 3) is intermagical. Interdependent is when you rely on someone else to get the job done. You get the support and it’s over with…mission accomplished. Interdevelopmental is when you rely on someone else to get the job done, but in the process you both evolve and develop into a level of excellence and knowledge you didn’t have before. But intermagical….well, that’s the special place to be when working with others. That’s when you not only rely on someone else, evolve because of the work you do with them but it’s absolutely magical just because. The synergy is there, the joy of popping out of bed each morning and the feeling that you can’t wait to hit the floor running with this person because you know something amazing is going to happen, even if you’re not sure what that something might be. It energizes you, inspires you to greatness and a level of energetic enthusiasm you never had before. Definition of leader don’t you think? Do you see Albus Dumbledore in there, just a little?
How are you inspiring others intermagically? You know what it feels like. What do you have to do to be it….live it?
Looking forward..
Donna Karlin
*Note: I heartily recommend Tom Morris' book "If Harry Potter Ran General Electric". Click here for more information or to buy the book
Saturday, July 01, 2006
The Many Faces of Intelligence
Intelligence def. 1) The capacity to acquire and apply knowledge; a) the ability to learn or understand or to deal with new or trying situations b) the ability to apply knowledge to manipulate one's environment or to think abstractly as measured by objective criteria (as tests) 2) mental acuteness
There are many different forms of intelligence. Many have delved into researching the 8 categories of intelligence and how they are exercised, recognised and demonstrated. Now there seems to be a new ‘Intelligence’ that has emerged and that is ‘Executive Intelligence’.
Looking at the truth of a situation or what is going on at any given time is the main responsibility of leaders for if they cannot determine the reality of the situation, they will not succeed in their role as leaders. Their capacity of recognizing this truth is determined by their level of intelligence. Cognitive ability testing, or IQ tests have proven to be the best predictor of work performance in any profession and, in some opinions give more information than a lengthy job interview. Some research even indicates that IQ tests predict what the performance of managers will be even more than job experience, one of the reasons being these tests show the capacity for a person to grasp information and process it.
As I’m Shadow Coaching™ my clients through their day, I not only have to see how quickly they grasp information and understand it and observe the speed of their learning curve, which is very important for anyone in a leadership role, but see how quickly they contextualize what they've learned. That is critical for a leader. I need to see how fast they integrate what they learn into their present worlds. If they absorb all this information, new processes ways of being etc and put them aside to do what they’ve always done, then I have my work cut out for me as they will struggle in their role as leaders.
Executive or what I call ‘Leadership Intelligence’ is set of abilities and proficiencies that leaders must be able to demonstrate in various contexts of their work in the realms of accomplishing tasks and how they prioritize them, how they work with people and utilize the people around them (effective delegation) as well as being absolutely aware of their own behaviours, responses, reactions etc. and the behaviours of those they work with.
Leaders must find a way to achieve their mandates while at the same time grow the organization and the people within it.
Leaders need to ‘get it’, understand the various perspectives of what they've just grasped, integrate at a very fast pace and evolve because of it.
My role is to make them aware of the roadblocks, tethers and filters that are standing in their way so we can remove them. Then I sit back and watch them, their staff and the organization fly.
Looking forward…
Donna Karlin
*Note: Welcome new subscriber from Bangladesh. 87 countries and counting!
There are many different forms of intelligence. Many have delved into researching the 8 categories of intelligence and how they are exercised, recognised and demonstrated. Now there seems to be a new ‘Intelligence’ that has emerged and that is ‘Executive Intelligence’.
Looking at the truth of a situation or what is going on at any given time is the main responsibility of leaders for if they cannot determine the reality of the situation, they will not succeed in their role as leaders. Their capacity of recognizing this truth is determined by their level of intelligence. Cognitive ability testing, or IQ tests have proven to be the best predictor of work performance in any profession and, in some opinions give more information than a lengthy job interview. Some research even indicates that IQ tests predict what the performance of managers will be even more than job experience, one of the reasons being these tests show the capacity for a person to grasp information and process it.
As I’m Shadow Coaching™ my clients through their day, I not only have to see how quickly they grasp information and understand it and observe the speed of their learning curve, which is very important for anyone in a leadership role, but see how quickly they contextualize what they've learned. That is critical for a leader. I need to see how fast they integrate what they learn into their present worlds. If they absorb all this information, new processes ways of being etc and put them aside to do what they’ve always done, then I have my work cut out for me as they will struggle in their role as leaders.
Executive or what I call ‘Leadership Intelligence’ is set of abilities and proficiencies that leaders must be able to demonstrate in various contexts of their work in the realms of accomplishing tasks and how they prioritize them, how they work with people and utilize the people around them (effective delegation) as well as being absolutely aware of their own behaviours, responses, reactions etc. and the behaviours of those they work with.
Leaders must find a way to achieve their mandates while at the same time grow the organization and the people within it.
Leaders need to ‘get it’, understand the various perspectives of what they've just grasped, integrate at a very fast pace and evolve because of it.
My role is to make them aware of the roadblocks, tethers and filters that are standing in their way so we can remove them. Then I sit back and watch them, their staff and the organization fly.
Looking forward…
Donna Karlin
*Note: Welcome new subscriber from Bangladesh. 87 countries and counting!
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
A Different Way of Measuring
Yesterday I ‘Shadowed’ a retreat for high level executives. I’ve Shadow Coached™ many of the key players individually and my focus, my mandate for the day, was to see what action plan they would come up with and how they would integrate what they discussed into their every day lives. The reason why I created the Shadow Coaching™ model in the first place was to work within the fast paced lives of my clients, to help them achieve the results and ways of being they want without having to take them out of the workplace to do it. Let’s face it. Busy executives no longer have time to book off for training, never mind the time and focus to apply what they learned off site to their every day lives.
One of the Human Resource specialists wanted to know what it was I did with these individuals. Was there a possible canned answer that applied to them all? No. However many HR specialists think in terms of canned programs and courses, not in terms of the intangibles, the subtleties and the context of how the training or coaching is implemented as to create achievable results. The work I do is specific to the individual. What works for one is not even applicable to many of the others. The term leadership in the generic sense applies to all, however how it’s measured, how it’s lived is unique to the individual.
So rather than delve into intangibles, the only information shared at the retreat was what worked 15 years go. Going off somewhere to take a course where participants learn a great deal of useful information worked way back when, however what they integrate into their lives when they get back is minimal and if they do incorporate some of it, retention is very low.
What struck me however as one by one, the individuals working at this retreat walked over to discuss things with me through the day, was how sometimes the most dramatic thing I could do for them as a Shadow Coach™ was just that….to be there. By virtue of the fact they know they have a non-judgmental, unbiased observer and supporter makes all the difference in the world if for no other reason than to hone their awareness level. Knowing I’m aware makes them more aware and eager to share information back to me as the day unfolds.
There are ways to measure results that are black and white and documentable. However there are ways of measuring results that can’t be recorded on charts, in surveys or questionnaires. These results are not to be discounted and won’t make it into most research papers. Rather they will reflect in the energy level of the individual, the enhanced leadership and enthused response of their staff. There will be a marked increase in happiness and contentment with their lot in life.
All this to say it’s not something that’s usually found in HR 101, it’s something that is found in the ways of great leaders; those intangible immeasurable “I’m not sure what it is” factors that help them fly.
Don’t always try to measure, categorize or predetermine outcomes. Sometimes just ‘being’, being there and being aware is all it takes.
Best!
Donna Karlin
One of the Human Resource specialists wanted to know what it was I did with these individuals. Was there a possible canned answer that applied to them all? No. However many HR specialists think in terms of canned programs and courses, not in terms of the intangibles, the subtleties and the context of how the training or coaching is implemented as to create achievable results. The work I do is specific to the individual. What works for one is not even applicable to many of the others. The term leadership in the generic sense applies to all, however how it’s measured, how it’s lived is unique to the individual.
So rather than delve into intangibles, the only information shared at the retreat was what worked 15 years go. Going off somewhere to take a course where participants learn a great deal of useful information worked way back when, however what they integrate into their lives when they get back is minimal and if they do incorporate some of it, retention is very low.
What struck me however as one by one, the individuals working at this retreat walked over to discuss things with me through the day, was how sometimes the most dramatic thing I could do for them as a Shadow Coach™ was just that….to be there. By virtue of the fact they know they have a non-judgmental, unbiased observer and supporter makes all the difference in the world if for no other reason than to hone their awareness level. Knowing I’m aware makes them more aware and eager to share information back to me as the day unfolds.
There are ways to measure results that are black and white and documentable. However there are ways of measuring results that can’t be recorded on charts, in surveys or questionnaires. These results are not to be discounted and won’t make it into most research papers. Rather they will reflect in the energy level of the individual, the enhanced leadership and enthused response of their staff. There will be a marked increase in happiness and contentment with their lot in life.
All this to say it’s not something that’s usually found in HR 101, it’s something that is found in the ways of great leaders; those intangible immeasurable “I’m not sure what it is” factors that help them fly.
Don’t always try to measure, categorize or predetermine outcomes. Sometimes just ‘being’, being there and being aware is all it takes.
Best!
Donna Karlin
Sunday, June 11, 2006
The Power of 'No'
We live in a world where we seem to find the need to rationalize almost everything. When was the last time you said “No” to someone and didn’t have to feel the need to explain yourself or rationalize it? Do you feel that same need when you say “Yes” to them? Not generally.
What really amazes me is when we rationalize the ‘No-s’ to those we don’t even know. Take for example the person who calls from the duct cleaning company at dinner time. After a 12 hour day do you WANT to have a conversation with a person who wants to take the insides of your house apart? How many excuses do you give as to why you’re not interested? Perhaps you should get their name and number (how do they ours by the way?) and call them in the middle of their dinner.
How many times have you found yourself saying “Yes” only because the smaller, 2-letter word was much more difficult to articulate, and before you know it, you’re up to your eyeballs in work, deadlines, commitments and the one who is suffering, not sleeping, is constantly feeling the guilt of being late and not delivering is you. And who exactly is to blame for that?
If you can’t say the word and mean it then there’s no point in saying it at all, because you’ll just beat yourself up afterwards with guilt and find a way to do it for them anyways. Does that work for your credibility? I think not.
One of the best gifts you can give yourself and others around you is learning how to say “No” and mean it. It shouldn’t become a way of life so you’re saying “No” to everything; it’s being strategic about it and what you say “Yes” to. It’s being open, honest, choosing what it is you will devote your time to and doing it well. It’s learning not to jump in with both feet whenever you’re asked to do something just because you were asked and figure out what is the best possible choice and use of your time, knowledge and energy.
OK I can tell you this now because I finally got it, but let me tell you….because I was able to get it and do it, the most amazing opportunities have presented themselves and I actually have the time to devote to them. If I was so tired and over committed I would have had to say no to the opportunities that would grow both me and my business.
This month I was supposed to be in the U.K., California, Toronto and Montreal in the space of three weeks. Add in my Shadow Coaching™ (actual work work where I’m supposed to be aware, energized and ‘present’), writing, preparing for the upcoming trainings and marketing material for them and if I had done them all, I would have close to killed myself. I decided to take a good long look at options. The U.K. was a training and an opportunity to see my son. California was a meeting of like-minded professionals looking at the future of coaching in organizations. Toronto was a huge milestone meeting and the first face to face meeting with one of the think tanks I’m a key player in and Montreal, a family event. On top of that, add book sales from our recent launch, dealing with correspondence post New York Times article and, well, life could be very overwhelming.
First of all I took the time to analyze things properly. Family event, is a given. So Montreal is a definite. Toronto, also a definite as this is critical meeting. The others were both amazing opportunities but were they the right time, were the right people involved and was it what I needed to be doing right now? On top of that equation I asked myself was it what I needed to grow me and/or my business in the way I wanted to grow? Those two questions gave me the answer I needed. The California meeting in concept was amazing. It was the first of many to come. I read the agenda and realised the topics that would be covered was what I was doing professionally 10 years ago. Would I grow? Perhaps in off-line conversations but did I have to spend thousands of dollars and precious time to go to California to do that? No. Not only did I refuse the meeting but I told them that unless they got their act together and started looking at forward trends and not ‘what was’ in coaching, I would be refusing the next one as well. It got them thinking and I just might be going to the fall symposium. We’ll see.
And the U.K., well… when I spoke to the person who was going to host my training and was giving me all these criteria I had to meet, including reduce numbers to fit a room, I realised it was a definite no. I won’t compromise my training for anything, especially the size of a room not to mention explain myself to death so one person might be comfortable with what I would be teaching. I’m not even sure that type of personality should be taking the training never mind Shadow Coaching. The clincher would have been seeing my son but taking into account he’s coming back home in 2 weeks, that no longer was a factor. That one I cancelled. Two other opportunities presented themselves which I was able to run with. If I had been traveling I would have missed the boat, never mind not had a second to do either of them properly.
Ask yourself the question, “Yes or no”. Answer it openly, honestly, with commitment, foresight and conviction. Because if you don’t define your personal boundaries, someone else will!
Best..
Donna Karlin
What really amazes me is when we rationalize the ‘No-s’ to those we don’t even know. Take for example the person who calls from the duct cleaning company at dinner time. After a 12 hour day do you WANT to have a conversation with a person who wants to take the insides of your house apart? How many excuses do you give as to why you’re not interested? Perhaps you should get their name and number (how do they ours by the way?) and call them in the middle of their dinner.
How many times have you found yourself saying “Yes” only because the smaller, 2-letter word was much more difficult to articulate, and before you know it, you’re up to your eyeballs in work, deadlines, commitments and the one who is suffering, not sleeping, is constantly feeling the guilt of being late and not delivering is you. And who exactly is to blame for that?
If you can’t say the word and mean it then there’s no point in saying it at all, because you’ll just beat yourself up afterwards with guilt and find a way to do it for them anyways. Does that work for your credibility? I think not.
One of the best gifts you can give yourself and others around you is learning how to say “No” and mean it. It shouldn’t become a way of life so you’re saying “No” to everything; it’s being strategic about it and what you say “Yes” to. It’s being open, honest, choosing what it is you will devote your time to and doing it well. It’s learning not to jump in with both feet whenever you’re asked to do something just because you were asked and figure out what is the best possible choice and use of your time, knowledge and energy.
OK I can tell you this now because I finally got it, but let me tell you….because I was able to get it and do it, the most amazing opportunities have presented themselves and I actually have the time to devote to them. If I was so tired and over committed I would have had to say no to the opportunities that would grow both me and my business.
This month I was supposed to be in the U.K., California, Toronto and Montreal in the space of three weeks. Add in my Shadow Coaching™ (actual work work where I’m supposed to be aware, energized and ‘present’), writing, preparing for the upcoming trainings and marketing material for them and if I had done them all, I would have close to killed myself. I decided to take a good long look at options. The U.K. was a training and an opportunity to see my son. California was a meeting of like-minded professionals looking at the future of coaching in organizations. Toronto was a huge milestone meeting and the first face to face meeting with one of the think tanks I’m a key player in and Montreal, a family event. On top of that, add book sales from our recent launch, dealing with correspondence post New York Times article and, well, life could be very overwhelming.
First of all I took the time to analyze things properly. Family event, is a given. So Montreal is a definite. Toronto, also a definite as this is critical meeting. The others were both amazing opportunities but were they the right time, were the right people involved and was it what I needed to be doing right now? On top of that equation I asked myself was it what I needed to grow me and/or my business in the way I wanted to grow? Those two questions gave me the answer I needed. The California meeting in concept was amazing. It was the first of many to come. I read the agenda and realised the topics that would be covered was what I was doing professionally 10 years ago. Would I grow? Perhaps in off-line conversations but did I have to spend thousands of dollars and precious time to go to California to do that? No. Not only did I refuse the meeting but I told them that unless they got their act together and started looking at forward trends and not ‘what was’ in coaching, I would be refusing the next one as well. It got them thinking and I just might be going to the fall symposium. We’ll see.
And the U.K., well… when I spoke to the person who was going to host my training and was giving me all these criteria I had to meet, including reduce numbers to fit a room, I realised it was a definite no. I won’t compromise my training for anything, especially the size of a room not to mention explain myself to death so one person might be comfortable with what I would be teaching. I’m not even sure that type of personality should be taking the training never mind Shadow Coaching. The clincher would have been seeing my son but taking into account he’s coming back home in 2 weeks, that no longer was a factor. That one I cancelled. Two other opportunities presented themselves which I was able to run with. If I had been traveling I would have missed the boat, never mind not had a second to do either of them properly.
Ask yourself the question, “Yes or no”. Answer it openly, honestly, with commitment, foresight and conviction. Because if you don’t define your personal boundaries, someone else will!
Best..
Donna Karlin
Monday, June 05, 2006
Redefining Relationships
A while ago when I blogged about ‘pruning your life of toxic relationships’, I had more responses than any other I had written before or since. I realise one can’t always cut people out of one’s life. And I wrote about that as well. In certain circumstances when you can’t then it’s time to redefine what that relationship will be. That’s when I received more emails than I could count!
“How can I do that?” one person asked. Another said “It’s who I work for. How in the world can I be the one to redefine?” and yet another asked me “When it’s family, how am I supposed to do that?”
It’s not easy but very doable. Yesterday I had absolute clarity about that and thought I’d answer some of these questions by sharing it. First of all, no matter what the relationship is, the first step is to redefine yourself within it. Not the other person. You can only change yourself, not anyone else and when you try to, that’s when the anger and resentment set in. When you try to ‘figure out’ their behaviour, you can analyse a situation to death and drive yourself crazy in the process.
Just because a person might be your boss or manager, doesn’t mean he or she will give you everything you need, support you and your growth or be there for you. Some managers’ foci will only be on themselves and getting ahead at the expense of their staff. Redefine. See how you can grow through this process and move on to a better job when the time is right, not as a reactive mode. You will always come across and work with people like that and you need to know how to deal with them, not run away from them.
When it’s a family member, redefine how you will interact with that person and on what level. Just by virtue of that person being a blood relation doesn’t mean you have to take what is unacceptable and try to cram it into the realm of acceptable. When you do that, you are giving away your self-respect. Change how you interact and the frequency, for if that person is self-centered then chances are they won’t even notice and, if they do, they probably won’t do anything about it anyways. If it doesn’t serve or revolve around them in some way, then as far as they’re concerned, it’s not important. It’s up to you to decide what is important to you and make the changes accordingly.
Don’t get into the payback mode or the anger and resentment mode in either because the only one who will suffer is you. Rather wish them well in their own lives and move on. And once you’re able to do that the clarity will be extraordinary. The negative energy will no longer be a part of any interaction you have with them and you will feel freer than ever before. It’s quite amazing actually.
In this world you get what you give, I truly believe that. And for those who choose to discard your gifts, there are many who would love to have them. Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have collected them and attracted them in some way. What you choose to do with them is up to you. Choose wisely.
Best…
Donna Karlin
“How can I do that?” one person asked. Another said “It’s who I work for. How in the world can I be the one to redefine?” and yet another asked me “When it’s family, how am I supposed to do that?”
It’s not easy but very doable. Yesterday I had absolute clarity about that and thought I’d answer some of these questions by sharing it. First of all, no matter what the relationship is, the first step is to redefine yourself within it. Not the other person. You can only change yourself, not anyone else and when you try to, that’s when the anger and resentment set in. When you try to ‘figure out’ their behaviour, you can analyse a situation to death and drive yourself crazy in the process.
Just because a person might be your boss or manager, doesn’t mean he or she will give you everything you need, support you and your growth or be there for you. Some managers’ foci will only be on themselves and getting ahead at the expense of their staff. Redefine. See how you can grow through this process and move on to a better job when the time is right, not as a reactive mode. You will always come across and work with people like that and you need to know how to deal with them, not run away from them.
When it’s a family member, redefine how you will interact with that person and on what level. Just by virtue of that person being a blood relation doesn’t mean you have to take what is unacceptable and try to cram it into the realm of acceptable. When you do that, you are giving away your self-respect. Change how you interact and the frequency, for if that person is self-centered then chances are they won’t even notice and, if they do, they probably won’t do anything about it anyways. If it doesn’t serve or revolve around them in some way, then as far as they’re concerned, it’s not important. It’s up to you to decide what is important to you and make the changes accordingly.
Don’t get into the payback mode or the anger and resentment mode in either because the only one who will suffer is you. Rather wish them well in their own lives and move on. And once you’re able to do that the clarity will be extraordinary. The negative energy will no longer be a part of any interaction you have with them and you will feel freer than ever before. It’s quite amazing actually.
In this world you get what you give, I truly believe that. And for those who choose to discard your gifts, there are many who would love to have them. Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have collected them and attracted them in some way. What you choose to do with them is up to you. Choose wisely.
Best…
Donna Karlin
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