My Mask

In the course of a day I come across many people who, when asked how they are, give the standard answer “Fine. I’m just fine.” An interesting answer when their body language says otherwise.

That’s not to say some aren’t fine, because most are very happy in their lives. But at the same time, many aren’t and are dealing with challenges in their own way. If they’d share them, enlist the help of friends, family and professionals, they would be able to deal with these challenges and get past them. It takes more energy to hide a problem than deal with it.

So when your someone snaps at you or shuts you out...think of this. It’s very powerful.

Best..
Donna Karlin

"Please Hear What I'm *Not* Saying"

Don't be fooled by me. For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks.
Masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them are mine.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled,
for God's sake, don't be fooled.

I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny,
and coolness my game; that the water's calm, and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me.....Please don't!

My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask....my ever
varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath swells the real me, in confusion, in fear and in aloneness.
But I hide this, I don't want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness, and fear being exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind...
a nonchalant, sophisticated facade....to help me pretend,
to shield me from your glance ....a glance that "knows".
But, such a glance is precisely my salvation....my only salvation
....and I know it!
But, provided that glance is followed by acceptance, and then
followed by love.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself....
that I'm really "worth" something.

But, I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid you
will think less of me, that you'll laugh and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep down I'm "nothing", that I'm just no good,
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game, with a facade
of assurance on the outside, and a trembling child within.
And, so begins the parade of masks, the glittering, but empty parade
of masks, and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of that which is
everything...of what's crying within me.

So, when I'm going through my routine, do not be fooled by
what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully, and try to hear what I'm "not" saying....
what I'd like to be able to say, what, for survival,
I need to say, but I can't say. I dislike hiding....honestly, I do.
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing....the superficial, phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and spontaneous, and"me".
Help me!!!!

You've got to hold out your hand....even when that's the last thing
I seem to want or need.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging.
Each time you try to understand, because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings....very small wings, very feeble wings...but wings.

With your sensitivity, sympathy and your power of understanding,
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me.
How you can be a creator of the person that is me, if you choose to....
please choose to.

You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble.
You alone can remove my mask.
You alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty
....from my lonely prison.
So do not pass me by. Pleas don't pass me by!!!

It will not me easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness
builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me.....the blinder I may strike back!
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man...
I am irrational. I fight against the very things that I cry out for.

But, I am told that love is stronger than strong walls,
and in this lies my hope ....my only hope.
Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands, but
with gentle hands ....for a child is very sensitive, and I am a child.

Who am I , you may wonder? I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet.....
And I am every woman you meet....
And I am you also!!!!!

- author unknown

Leaders

"The first task of a leader is to keep hope alive" - Joe Batten

It doesn`t matter how well meaning the head of an organization is. If he or she doesn`t keep hope alive, then loyalty wanes and effectiveness in the workplace suffers. Even worse than that, trust is destroyed. And once you lose trust in your leadership, it`s next to impossible to motivate the staff to get the job done.
(See Rebuilding Trust)

Dwight D. Eisenhower said "Pull the string and it will follow wherever you wish. Push it, and it will go nowhere at all." The same goes for being a leader. If you inspire, keep your word, show vision and work WITH your staff they will grow as individuals and pull themselves forward. But try to push them in the wrong direction, you create a tug of war and possibly worse….no movement at all.

Stagnation in an organization is a killer. Indecision from leadership translates to stagnation. With no
foundation and few deliverables, the organization questions direction from above with the attitude `Why do the work when things are going to change again anyway? Effect of which is no "buy_in" or shared vision.

Thus the leader is no longer a leader.

A leader is visible. Good leaders meet with their key people regularly….daily if possible. They brainstorm, sit and listen and translate great ideas into tangibles WITH the help of those around them.

There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch
things happen and those who wonder what happened. Which is your choice?

Best...
Donna Karlin

Tea With A Friend

A Cup of Tea

I’m a coffee drinker....love the smell and taste of a freshly brewed cup of coffee.

But on a day such as this...when it’s cold, damp and rainy there’s something about a warm cup of tea to calm.....warm rom the inside out.....bring a bit of civility to the day.....and a reminder of a very special friend.

Her name is Linda. She used to live here in Ottawa and I met her when my son started junior kindergarten, almost 20 years ago. She’s one of those people you read about who leave footprints in your heart and even though she and her
family, who I adore, moved back to their home town of Toronto, her presence is felt every time I put the kettle on for tea.

And in my mind, I’m ready to pick up the phone to ask her if she wants to come for a cup.

She’s one of those unique individuals whose door is always open. You never feel intrusive to ring her bell to say "hi". Howmany people can you do that to these days without calling first to make "an appointment?" You’re always made to feel welcome and at home, whether visiting for a week, a weekend or an hour.

Her house is always bustling...phones ringing, people coming and going, a grandchild being babysat or a family member dropping by. But she’s special....always wanting to help the world, even one person at a time. Represents a sense of family in every way.

People like Linda are rare and are a reminder that home is what you make it. It’s who’s in the house, not the house itself that makes one feel welcome and part of it all.

I miss her...miss all of them and wish they were back in Ottawa... a few minutes down the street, in dropping in distance for that cup of tea or an ear.

And even though they’re in another city, she’s close by every time the water is boiled for tea. And with every cup comes an inner smile and the thankfulness that I’m blessed to have her in my life.

Best!
Donna Karlin

Living

Begin to live as you wish to live. And it will start to happen.

Many would say easier said than done. And truthfully, it’s easier than you think.

When you conjure up all the excuses in the book why your dreams aren’t meant to happen....that they happen for others but not for you, then you deserve the outcome.

Not callous.

The truth.

If you start living what it is you want, then it will be. If you’re exhausted and want a more peaceful, energized life, then it’s up to you to prune it of toxic relationships and tasks and choose what and who it is you DO want to spend your time and energy on. It’s not selfishness. It’s self-care-ishness (OK, so I made that word up). The best lesson we can teach our kids is of self-care and by practicing what we preach. And the best gift we can give family and friends is for them to know you’re spending time with them because you choose to....not because you have to.

Last night when I was with some dear friends....some old....some newer and others who I met for the first time, we spoke of today’s challenges....familial responsibilities, lack of time, exhaustion. The topic of most conversations these days. And the comment I received was one I hear often.....which was "I don’t know what it is you do, but I can feel your energy and you look SOOOO happy".

I am.

I have a great career, wonderful friends and family and am doing exactly what I want to be doing. That’s not to say I give up all responsibility. I approach it differently, that’s all.

So over time I began to live what I wanted to live. One step at a time. And now I am.

It’s simplifying my life....learning from everyone around me.....balancing what I do with what I don’t do....and whenever I DO do something...it’s not expensive energy. Doing something against your will becomes expensive. It starts a trend that will eventually suck you dry.

You know you’ve achieved your idea of perfection in life not when you have something more to add, but when you have nothing more to take away. There’s always room for a new person or experience. It’s realising that everything you have right now....every person in your life.... is exactly what you want and is a keeper.

You choose.

Best...
Donna Karlin

Everyone's a Teacher

One of my favourite books is My Grandfather’s Blessings by R.N. emen, M.D. In it there’s a short story about when she was in third grade after she had done an IQ test in school. Her teacher told the students that being in her class meant that they were brighter than most people in the country. And as she alked with her mother down a street in Manhattan with a puffed up eight year old pride and shared this with her, her mother stopped, knelt down and told her that "every one of the people around them had a secret wisdom .....that each of them knew something more about how to live, about being happy than they did...."

Those words have stayed with me ever since.

And as I watch people pass by, whether in the buildings where I work or walking to a movie (see posting from Aug. 23, 2003 on Mindfulness) I’m mindful of them, and wonder what their secret is to a happy, fulfilled life.

Those words from her mother were the smartest words a mother could say. She could have puffed up her daughter’s ego even more and bragged along with her to their friends and family and instead her mother chose to open her daughter’s mind to the fact that life is our best teacher.

Robert Frost said " I'm not a teacher, but an awakener."

The ones who feel they are the smartest and the best at something have the smallest minds, And those....no matter how brilliant, or unschooled, who realise there's always more to learn, are the wisest of all.

Best....
Donna Karlin

Best Executive

Theodore Roosevelt said "The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it."

A constant complaint from clients.....their work is checked and rechecked and half the time discarded. It’s demoralizing to them and deflates their desire to produce. The best way to validate the work your staff produces is to leave them
alone to do it and encourage them to make choices, decisions and brainstorm with colleagues to get the best results.

What’s the point in delegating if you’re going to redo everything you task others with? What results do you think you’ll get if you’re inferring their work is second rate?

Ralph Marston wrote "Let go of your attachment to being right, and suddenly your mind is more open. You're able to benefit from the unique viewpoints of others, without being crippled by your own judgment." By doing that, you not only empower those who work with/for you but grow and learn at the same time.

Ask yourself this question....if you lost your title, position and power tomorrow, would others still support you and want to work with you? A difficult question to ask, but an important one at that.

Best...
Donna Karlin

Memories

I was going to write a blog on memories that have been coming back over the past few days....and since it’s Thanksgiving, I thought what better time to write about being thankful for these wonderful times?

I’ve stored these mental snapshots away and revisit them now and then, almost like a scrapbook of my mind. It all started with coming across a website by accident, of an old lodge that was a couple of doors down from our country house. It brought back the wonder of a place that never seemed quite real. The moment we drove through the red gates, the rest of the world ceased to exist for me and was replaced by nothing short of heaven.

Pure water from a mountain spring fed the lake, the runoff being on our property. How many times we walked down to the water’s edge to fill a jug, or put bottles under the runoff to keep cold no matter how hot the day.....the changing of the leaves, a kaleidoscope of fall colours painting the landscape....sitting by a roaring fire at night, doing jigsaw puzzles or needlework late into the night.

A very important time in my life....

So many memories came to mind today, from the country house in Lac Paquin to the first time I flew on a plane, going overseas to play in an orchestra.....my introduction to Cel-Ray soda. And no...it’s not as bad as it sounds, but the memories of that day and the ones before and after, and all the other experiences that went with it remain stored in my mind and heart in that special place where mental keepsakes stay with you forever....

There were day trips with my Uncle and cousins, my grandfather waiting for us when we got home from school with a peppermint stick or fresh coconut he’d crack with a hammer on the back patio....drives with my
cousin Jeffrey...he’s a one of a kind driver. A couple specifically come to mind, one of which was him driving across a field between two New York freeways because he had to be "just one thruway over", and I’m still alive to talk about it! So many memories to be thankful for....all fill me with such joy. Times I want to bring back, if not to relive the moments, then to relive the feelings these moments gave me.

Just sharing with you, brings them all back...

Wishing you a Thanksgiving best,
Donna Karlin


Lac Paquin fall scene