The Ins and Outs of Effective Listening

Effective listening is an essential competency for anyone who wishes to be a leader. They need to understand how to motivate and empower others. Active, clarifying listening skills is important when people need direction or advice and prevents us giving premature solutions without having all the facts, thereby very often magnifying the problem rather than solving it. As well, it helps us to avoid misunderstandings coming from wrong interpretations of what is being said. Listening effectively also helps us control feelings and emotions that may be triggered the moment we feel blame comes into play.

Effective and active listening helps one to avoid conflict, obtain knowledge we didn't have before, capture ideas and expand on them with another individual and recognise others for valuable input and contributions to an organisation's success.

When we don't listen to others....hear where they're coming from, we in effect show them they have no value whatsoever. These people are not leaders. They are dictators.

Those who don't listen usually feel they already know what they're going to hear (clairvoyants?) or seek confirmation not information (their way is the only way so why waste time and hear another point of view?).

Be honest with yourself....do any of these ring true? And if you don't want to be honest with yourself, (that would be seeking confirmation of what you want to hear not information), ask those around you what they think.

• You Compare - You don't listen because you're already wondering who is better. (One upmanship)
• You read minds - You already know what they're going to say and are trying to figure out what's behind it (feelings, emotions, water cooler talk etc).
• You're Rehearsing - After the first two words you're already figuring out your response (without really hearing what you'll be responding to. A great way to start conflict)
• You Filter - You hear what you want to hear and filter out the rest.
• You Judge - They're not worthy of your attention, so why waste time listening?
• You Daydream - You listen to a fraction of what's said. You're thinking about your last meeting or date.
• You Identify - Everything they tell brings to mind something that happened to you, but it was MUCH better or worse or faster or ......and jump in with your story right away. Their experience doesn't count.
• You give advice - Miss or Mister Fix-it. After three words you can solve the problems of the world. Oh...there wasn't a problem? (Now there is!)
• You Argue - You love debate. It's been too long...so instead of "hearing" the other person, you're going to look for something to argue about (mentally rubbing your hands together with glee just looking for that first target.....)

Stop!

It's time to realise you don't know everything. Everyone who walks by you, who works and lives with you knows something about life that you don't. Leaders acknowledge this and look to expand their realm of knowledge every minute of every day while strengthening skills and talents at the same time.

A Few Guidelines:

• Listen for ideas, not only facts and ask yourself and the other person what they mean. What it means to you can have an entirely different meaning to someone else. This is how ideas are born.
• Judge what they say not how they say it. Keep your emotions out of it.
• Listen for value. It's in there somewhere.
• Don't judge and jump to conclusions without all the facts.
• Be flexible. How a person communicates isn't necessarily the same as you. And if you don't understand the point, take notes to ask the speaker later.
• Concentrate. Keep eye contact. If you start daydreaming you're just going to have to ask them for the same information again and there's no easy way to do that without showing them you've ignored them the first time around.
• Listen at the Speaker's pace. If you forge ahead, you're going to lose what HE'S saying.
• Open your mind to the possibility that you don't know it all! There might be something new for you to grasp.
• React to what the speaker is saying. Nod, use body language that shows you're listening. Keep eye contact, use language that invites more, and ask for clarification if you don't understand where this is going.
• Listen for the other person's point of view.
• AND LASTLY BE PATIENT!

"Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand." - Karl A. Menninger

Best!
Donna Karlin

Reading

Have I mentioned I love my Kindle?  As a tactile person I wondered how I'd take to this piece of technology. I love the feel of books, turning the pages, the texture of the paper so I'm surprised at how much I have grown to love my Kindle.

I am forever in airports, travelling for work, sometimes commuting to another country for a day at a time. There is something to be said about travelling light, taking my Kindle out at the airport or in another city or country, reading my newspaper from home, being able to call up and download a book in seconds that would benefit me and my clients and being able to take 20 or 30 books with me as reference points, all in this light weight, easy to read piece of technology.

What does that mean for me though?  Bottom line? I'm reading twice as much as I did before. I can read in the in-between times.  I read the paper from cover to cover because I can pick it up everywhere and can read fiction, business books even documents I would have had to wait to get back to my office to access before.

Ahh tech life is good!

For the Sake of ....?

"Progress is built, in effect, upon the foundations of necessary failure. That is the essential paradox of expert performance." - Matthew Syed

Is it always a bad thing when people or organizations fail and have to start over?

We've heard the terms constructive destructionism. We've seen great people come together as teams and create a toxic environment.

Is it better to keep organizations together no matter what or revisit what has to happen "for the sake of what?"

Just askin.

Space

Is your day...your life so jam packed that you struggle to try to fit things and people in? Time to create space in your world, make some choices as to what to do and what to don't, to stop doing what's expected of you and start doing what you can positively impact (including for your life).

What do you absolutely have to do and what do you absolutely have to NOT do? That's a place to start.

Best!
Donna Karlin

Note: We stand by the commitment to our clients to not take on more people than we can have time to serve and serve well. To that end, we have just transitioned two clients into new positions and are now open to taking two new clients to fill those slots. Contact us for more information.

Saying yes when you know you should be saying no

Do you say yes to things you know aren't in your best interest because you're worried about what others will think if you say no?

You only have so much time in a day...in your life. Why in the world would you want to be throwing that time away? If you say yes to something, does it evolve you? Have impact? Make a difference in someone's life? Your organization? Unless you can say yes to some of those questions, it's time to redefine.

Distinction

If you want to be 'fixed' or explore the reasonings behind why your past is dictating your choices for your future, then get a therapist or counsellor. If you want to grow, explore possibilities beyond your knowing, experience or present thinking, evolve, become superconductive, hone your talents and strengths so you become masterful at them and craft an amazing future, then hire a coach.

Two people...thought partners in crime are way better than none.

Your choice. It starts with perspectives

Learning Comes from All Perspectives

I just spent most of the week working in Washington DC at a Performance Improvement Retreat..a government experience: turning to a new playbook. What a concept being able to toss the old aside and create radical positive change, especially in a bureaucratic environment. Did I achieve my goal in helping them see through new eyes? I believe I did.

One of the participants came to me at the end of the 2 days and asked me what I had learned. That's not a question I'm generally asked. It was a great question and I think I shared an unexpected answer, both for the asker and for me.

It's amazing where learning happens. I learned what the participants were living in their environments from many departments and agencies, federal and state, high intensity positions and more low key ones. I learned about the assumptions they were operating from... and what it looked like to them when I helped them see beyond the assumptions and over the roadblocks that seemed insurmountable. I learned that no matter how de-energized some of these participants might have been, they were willing to dive in and co-create something powerful with people they had just met for the first time so they could bring back learning and a new play book to their respective worlds.

I learned that situations are similar on both sides of the border and how powerful a coaching model can be in these types of situations. And I learned how trusting a group can be when you show them you're really interested and are there to speak with them not at them.

I learned a lot and will bring that learning to everything I do from now on with clients, colleagues and students slike. Most of all I was reminded at how learning continues well beyond retreats and ocnversations if we keep our eyes open to it and learn to find what we don't know way more fascinating than what we do know.

Best!
Donna Karlin