Which One Are You?

This morning I came across a wonderful narrative; the kind that coaches use to illustrate a point for a client, but one that really makes you think of the story you carry around with you and who you are as a result.

It really makes you think. It went something like this...

A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, ‘Tell me what you see.’

‘Carrots, eggs, and coffee,’ she replied.

Her grandmother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The grandmother then asked the granddaughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, the grandmother asked the granddaughter to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked, ‘What does it mean, grandmother?’

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked her granddaughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity? Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?

How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Use this story, step back and think about a situation that comes to mind when you read it. Are you a victim of circumstance or can you keep your core values and be everything you can be in spite of it? If you were looking at someone else living through the same situation, how might you advise that person to be the coffee bean? What if you could be that bean?

Disconnecting

This post brings a different slant to what I usually write. I'm all for connecting, networking, having global conversations and sharing my perspectives. I also usually write a new year's letter sharing all that happened in the past year with my intentions for the year to come. However this year I disconnected instead.

For a while I felt guilty about not writing my letter and then came to the conclusion that those people in my life, who are interested in my life, already know what I've been up to. So I disconnected. I didn't post on Facebook, barely looked at LinkedIn unless I got a direct email through there. I didn't respond to work emails and didn't do all the administrivia I usually do at the end of the year.

And you know what? The world was still there on January 2nd! What a concept!

This morning someone I greatly respect shared an article with me and I was mentally whooping and hollering "YES!" Someone else did that as well!  It's an amazing post which I'll share with you called Logging Off by Kevin Conroy Smith. In my mind, he really does have 'A Better Perspective'. I am reminding myself why I used that phrase as my company identity. When I was naming my company and was going to call it "A New Perspective", a dear friend told me that sometimes the old ways are better. That conversation comes to mind more times than I can count.

Kevin's post brings it all full circle. In being so connected, we're disconnecting from life. So instead of posting everything I was doing, I just did it. Instead of sitting with my tablet or laptop, I shared life with my life partner. We puzzled, watched movies, went shopping, saw family and friends and cooked great meals. That is what connecting is all about.

Wishing you a year filled with connections, relationship, fulfillment and a better perspective on life.

Engaging in Conversation: Generative or Dialogue of the Deaf?

Every time I walk into a new class to teach, I'm always blown away at the depth of conversation that evolves over the two day period. No matter what the makeup of the people in the room, the dialogue is always amazing! The level of trust, engagement and respect for each other is always off the charts. I believe it's because they know they will all evolve through dialogue.

One of the topics I cover in my training is assumptions. When we assume someone is coming from a certain place and work with them based on that context, everything that unfolds after that assumption is based on air, not fact. We have to ask the fundamental relevant questions in order to build something strong and of substance.

How often does that happen even in organizations? When we engage in conversation with someone it’s for many reasons such as fact finding, validation, direction, and perspective. When we speak to someone only to validate our current knowledge and perspective, it’s not a two way conversation; it’s a dialogue of the deaf.

As Coaches, we are usually called in to work with people to help them evolve to their level of excellence. If all we did was validate what they already knew without exploring the rest, they’d pretty much stay exactly where they were. Our roles are to help people move forward. Isn’t that the role of leadership? If the powers that be don’t engage in generative dialogue, they are eliminating the fact finding, direction and perspective they might need to move the entire organization forward.

Nic Askew recently shared “ ‘Inner-vision' comes from within the organization, from deep inside an individual or group of individuals. 'Purpose' is often a construct of the words & ideas of others, disguised as an original idea.” In order to do that we not only have to hear, we have to listen to all the players not just the upper echelon. It’s a way to capture the intangibles, the soul of an organization and let it emerge in a powerful way. It’s not taking words that sound good and try to force an organization to fit them.

Life happens through every experience, interaction and conversation. We have to pay attention to what that means and to what the ramifications might be when we don’t. Awareness is curative….and generative. Generative dialogue creates newfound awareness. Then we can build careers, people, and organizations. If leaders hide their heads in the sand, breakdown will happen at all levels. It's imperative people listen to the truth of a situation, so they act on what is. Building on assumptions is like a house of cards that will fall down at their feet.

Best...
Donna Karlin

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We Are Our Own Magic Wands

The other day I asked myself this question....is there magic in the world? Usually I debate questions like that...look at them from all perspectives to come up with an answer....at least my truth in the answer. This time debate wasn't necessary. The answer immediately came to me. This world IS magic. How could there be so many incredibly beautiful things surrounding us and extraordinary people in our lives if there wasn't?

But true enough, it all depends on how you look at the world. If you're one to look at your life as wanting or, to use a common analogy the glass being half empty, the world will always be wanting. And if you're one to look at it as always being half full, then you too will look at the world as a magical place. Bottom line....you'll look at the world and participate in living life fully, not just existing in it.

I know some will immediately point out their challenges....an illness or disappointment. And maybe for some it will be near impossible to look at their life as anything close to magical if they're concerned about losing a loved one to that illness. But every day we have that person in our lives is a gift.....and something to treasure. Knowing we've had that person touch us in some way IS magic. And, when they're no longer here...their spirit lives on. That too is magic...something we can hold onto....share with others and let them be a part of what or who has touched your life.

And then this morning as I looked out into my back snowy wilderness....because there's nothing garden-like about it, it’s covered in feet over feet of snow.....I watched as a cardinal flew to the tree right by my window....turn and watch me watch him back. I don't know how long he sat there watching me. I know if I had moved he would have flown away. He was exquisitely beautiful. And then a letter from someone who always gives me a smile...just by being, both strengthened my belief that if there is such beauty around us...nature...people...life in all forms.....how could I ever have thought of debating this question in the first place?

This week I told a client of mine I have no magic wand….but that we are all our own magic wands. If we don’t make our world magical for us, why in the world would we expect others to do it for us?

For some it’s not believing they deserve a magical life, that it’s for other people who do ‘special things’. For others, it’s not looking at their lives as special even though they are. And for many, when I ask them to look at their lives through new eyes and ask them what they see, a whole new world reveals itself. Have you done that lately?

Best..
Donna Karlin