Engaging in Conversation: Generative or Dialogue of the Deaf?

Every time I walk into a new class to teach, I'm always blown away at the depth of conversation that evolves over the two day period. No matter what the makeup of the people in the room, the dialogue is always amazing! The level of trust, engagement and respect for each other is always off the charts. I believe it's because they know they will all evolve through dialogue.

One of the topics I cover in my training is assumptions. When we assume someone is coming from a certain place and work with them based on that context, everything that unfolds after that assumption is based on air, not fact. We have to ask the fundamental relevant questions in order to build something strong and of substance.

How often does that happen even in organizations? When we engage in conversation with someone it’s for many reasons such as fact finding, validation, direction, and perspective. When we speak to someone only to validate our current knowledge and perspective, it’s not a two way conversation; it’s a dialogue of the deaf.

As Coaches, we are usually called in to work with people to help them evolve to their level of excellence. If all we did was validate what they already knew without exploring the rest, they’d pretty much stay exactly where they were. Our roles are to help people move forward. Isn’t that the role of leadership? If the powers that be don’t engage in generative dialogue, they are eliminating the fact finding, direction and perspective they might need to move the entire organization forward.

Nic Askew recently shared “ ‘Inner-vision' comes from within the organization, from deep inside an individual or group of individuals. 'Purpose' is often a construct of the words & ideas of others, disguised as an original idea.” In order to do that we not only have to hear, we have to listen to all the players not just the upper echelon. It’s a way to capture the intangibles, the soul of an organization and let it emerge in a powerful way. It’s not taking words that sound good and try to force an organization to fit them.

Life happens through every experience, interaction and conversation. We have to pay attention to what that means and to what the ramifications might be when we don’t. Awareness is curative….and generative. Generative dialogue creates newfound awareness. Then we can build careers, people, and organizations. If leaders hide their heads in the sand, breakdown will happen at all levels. It's imperative people listen to the truth of a situation, so they act on what is. Building on assumptions is like a house of cards that will fall down at their feet.

Best...
Donna Karlin

*Note: Welcome new subscribers from Samoa, Algeria and Tunisia. 126 countries and territories and counting!

Being a Part of a Global Community

I was recently asked what it meant to be a part of a global community. It's funny because in Coaching none of my colleagues and friends confine their practices to their general geographical area. However it means more than that....

In writing this blog, for example, I have created a global community of 110 countries and territories where people from many parts of the world can comment on their perspectives, ways of being, challenges and victories and educate us as to what's happening in their worlds in every possible context. I can't imagine confining my learning to just my city or country. How in the world could I bring a richness to my work if I was so boxed into one way of thinking? I certainly couldn't serve my clients well enough that way.

Technology has made the world a very small place where we can now pick up the phone, use Voice over Internet (Skype etc) to have lengthy conversations at very little cost. We can email, post blogs, contribute to Wikis and have intranets like CollectiveX bring global working communities together as if they were around the corner. Even with how easy it is to reach out, most people tend to stay within their immediate worlds.

Is it more comfortable? Perhaps. Is it a way for people to ignore some of the horrific things that are going on in other parts of the world? Also a definite possibility.

What does it mean for me to be a part of a global community? It means expanded learning, a ripple effect that goes beyond my wildest dreams or imagination, connection and possible impact.

What would it mean to you to be a part of a global community? What would it bring to your life and the lives of others?

Best..
Donna Karlin

*Note: Speaking of global community, welcome 111th subscriber country from Armenia. Make yourself welcome!

Hearing Yourself Think

My colleague Susan Meyer posted a blog on a similar topic. I wanted to share her view with you so edited this to add a link to her blog and some comments. It seems as if many of us are observing or interacting with those who only hear their own voices and have a difficult time hearing their own silence. In being this way, they not only don't let the rest of the world in, but stop others from being heard as well. It gives a whole new meaning to the expression "Silence is golden" I wonder what that person experienced in order to have come up with that remark?

"When I became quiet, they could hear themselves" - Byron Katie

As a coach we not only have to ask the right questions to evoke awareness and answers but we have to give clients the space to think. In the physical sense, I ask clients "When do you get out, go for a walk, clear some space not to escape the world but to let the world in?"

This is the same in dialogue, having the mental space to let thoughts in, to formulate, think, create, just 'be' or hear yourself think as you bounce conversation of someone else. There's nothing like someone finishing your thoughts as if they could read your mind. I don't know about you, but clairvoyance isn't a common thing, though many people think they know exactly what it is you're going to say and don't hesitate to make that known. People like this are in a dialogue of the deaf. They're not hearing you; waiting for you to complete a thought or idea. They're taking half an idea and moving it in another direction and putting it in the "It's all about me" context. People like this validate something about themselves or their past, negating where you're coming from in the first place and absolutely not hearing you in any way shape or form. People like this feel who they are and what they have to say is more important. They don't care that they might be cutting you off, throwing a punch line into a story out of context, making you stop dead in your verbal tracks or even caring about what you might be thinking or feeling. It's about them….them speaking, being heard or having to validate everything you say based on their experiences, not yours.

I always wonder how insecure that person was in order to behave that way. Still, in the scheme of things, it doesn't matter really, as that's their way of being you have to deal with….or not. Choices come to play in cases like this. Do you really want to spend any time with someone who doesn't acknowledge you have a relevant thing to say outside the realm of their worlds? Are you in any kind of relationship where you come away from a conversation feeling frustrated, exhausted and ignored at the same time? Ask yourself why and when you figure out the answer, then figure out why you're still in it. You just might find your contact list shrinking but your energy and enthusiasm for everyone in your life growing in leaps and bounds.

Best...
Donna Karlin

*Note: In "The Emotionally Intelligent Coach" blog, my colleague Susan Meyer says "It seems to be true that the louder you get and the longer you talk and the more often you interrupt, the less likely you are to have anyone actually hear what you have to say. Silence adds a great deal to any conversation. Thoughtful reflection allows the time to digest the thoughts and ideas of your conversational partners and to add something of value."

Click here to read the rest of her insightful post

Makes you think doesn't it?

A Global Dialogue

I was doing a search for a few blogs I'd written way back when and came across a blog I'd written almost 2 years ago today titled "A Milestone…..All of a sudden there were 50….and then there were 51! I wrote "Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d have regular readers from 50 countries coming by to read, comment and email their three cents."

That was the halway point between when I started blogging to now. Two years since that post I am now celebrating readership from 108 countries and territories! To say I'm blown away at how far reaching a blog can be is an understatement. To tell you how rich a dialogue can be when one has comments and insights from people from across the globe is indescribable. I am honoured and grateful that you take the time to read and write me and hope you stay for a long time to come.

If there is a topic or conversation you'd like to have and for me to write about, please suggest that too.

I will write more over the weekend, but for now would like to welcome our new readers from Bahrain, Fiji and Vietnam. Make yourself welcome!

Best to you all...
Donna Karlin

It's All About Words

While reading a favourite blog this morning, Problogger, I came across one of the posts "Blogging is About Writing" that talks about basics. In it he states "The web is about words. No matter how visual and audible it becomes, it continues to be about the words."

Those who are visual like diagrams but even then it's about words or languaging as it's called now. We can evolve or demolish with words, as I mentioned in my last post. One of the most powerful tools I use with clients is 'evolutionary progressions' or a stream of words that literally evolves them beyond their current way of thinking and being.

In my post this week on Fast Company Experts I talk about upgrading your personal operating system. One of the first things to update is language. Ways of communicating, instructing, dialoguing. Making demands of others will no longer work. Capturing their imagination and helping others feel they're a part of the success of any organization is the best way to bring everyone forward. Blogging might be about writing, and I learn that with every post. It all comes down to words whether in blogs, conversations, strategic direction...relationships of any kind.

Best..
Donna Karlin

To Learn You Must Know

People look at their worlds through the perspective of what they know. It’s obvious, right? What I love to see is when they discover what they didn’t know and then want to dive into the deep end of it and learn everything they can. That’s the best part of being a Shadow Coach; watching awareness as it dawns.

It happens to me on a regular basis. When I’m teaching seasoned experienced coaches and look at paradigms, concepts, ways of being and touch on something that had never occurred to them before, all of a sudden the energy in the room is tangible; enthusiasm so intense you can almost ‘taste’ it. Now what if leadership brought that to an organization? Not only would staff want to dive in with both feet, but they know instinctively that through every day they’d learn something that would shift their developmental level exponentially. Now what would one have to do to make that happen?

The first thought that comes to mind is to dialogue and often. Not meetings that drain everyone in the room of any energy they might have arrived with at the start of the day but a true brainstorming dialogue to create and listen to ideas and experiences they never heard or thought of before and to explore the possibilities.

What if, instead of regular meetings, there were creative sessions once a week or bi-weekly that brought out the best of every individual around the table, no matter role or responsibility? What if we went way beyond that? I started reading the book Wikinomics which talks about harnessing the knowledge, perspectives and insights of people from all over the world, not just within the boardroom. Could you imagine how powerful that would be?

Possibilities are endless. But what steps would you have to take to make that happen and then do something with the outcome? Ahh now that’s a whole other conversation for another time. It’s call paying attention to what unfolds.

Best!
Donna Karlin

*A few notes: As I'm constantly asked by coaches, students and businesspreneaurs alike what I use for my graphics work, my postcards, logos etc, not to mention the technology I use in my work, I updated my Coach Tools of the Trade site with all my recommendations. Go to Coach Tools of the Trade to check it out.

Secondly, stay tuned for an upcoming invitation to connect with people from all over the world through 'Perspectives'. Let's see in real time just how powerful it could be to bring people together from all over the world.

Lastly, now and then through my blog I'll be recommending books, websites, new software I've come across that might just meet a need or two of my clients and readers. One such discovery deals with memory improvement. I can't tell you how many times in a day I'm asked if I know any way to improve memory retention, especially when it comes to names! Check out this software. Memory Improvement Techniques It'll go a long way in helping you retrieve that information that seems to have gone poof into the night or the quiet recesses of your mind.


A great book that really packs a punch is Wikinomics. You'll never look at brainstorming and sharing knowledge in the same way again! And for a blogger who has subscribers from 99 countries and territories it makes a world of sense and yet still leaves me with a sense that even more is possible.