Letting Go of Expectations

This afternoon I was tagged by Robyn McMaster for the "Think Different Challenge"

One of the things I have to continually work on is eliminating expectations. As far as I'm concerned, having expectations is like making a judgment before the fact and doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense to me. So why do we have expectations? Is it wishes? Dreams? Anticipation?

Regardless, I recognize I have expectations and, when I drop them and no longer let them have any power over me in any way, I'm usually pleasantly surprised.

So when it comes to expecting someone to call, to care, to engage, to act the way I might in a specific circumstance, I challenge myself to think differently....to let go of all expectations which takes others' monkeys off my back, gives others the freedom to act from a position of their values and integrity (or not) and for me to live in alignment with mine at the same time, regardless of what others do.

Whew! Freeing!

Thanks for the reminder Robyn!

The Challenge...

The Think Different Challenge is all about finding something in your life you currently have negative thoughts or feelings toward (eg work or your mother-in-law), and deciding to look at it differently. It is about realizing that some things are just a part of life, so we may as well try to find the positives in them.

The rules for this writing project are:

1. Write a new blog post in which you “think different”. Follow my suggestions above, or be a bit different and interpret the challenge the way you want .


2. State that the post is a part of the Think Different Challenge and include a link and/ or trackback to this post so that readers know the rules of the challenge. Feel free to use the above banner (inspired, of course, by Seth Godin).


3. Include a link and/ or trackback to the blogger who tagged you.


4. At the end of your post, go ahead and tag some fellow bloggers. Don’t forget to email them to let them know they have been tagged.


5. That’s it! Just sit back and enjoy reading peoples’ responses to the challenge.

So to keep this going, I Tag:

Donna Steinhorn from Rethinking
Steve Harper from the Ripple Effect
Phil Johnson from Master of Business Leadership
John Lazar from Leading Edge of Leadership
Alexander Kjerulf aka The Chief Happiness Officer
Joe Raasch from The Happy Burro
Prince Rahman at MagnumVox Leadership

If you weren’t tagged, but would like to participate, please go ahead and write a post that fits in with the challenge. Thanks for playing!

Best...
Donna Karlin

Expectations

I’m just back from the 2007 International Coach Federation Conference in Long Beach California. It was an amazing experience for me. The reason I’m starting off this post with that comment is, my expectations for this event, based on last year’s experience was as low as they come. I made a conscious decision, in spite of low expectations to go and to turn those expectations around into what I decided would be an invaluable experience.

It was.

I wonder how many times we expect something to be a “1” on a scale of 1- 10, thereby choosing not to go. There were many criteria at play here. First of all, it would be an expensive event to go to simply by virtue of having to travel pretty much the length of the continent to get there. Little did I know when I booked it and registered that the Canadian dollar would be stronger than the US dollar. It’s been many years since that had happened. Bonus. Travel was less than optimal as because of mechanical problems the plane had to return to the tarmac for 2 hours. I knew I had missed my connecting flight before we had even taken off. Still, ever part of this trip was an amazing experience. From wonderful ticket agents trying their best to get me there are quickly and safely as possible to the amazing people I interacted with along the way, it was extraordinary.

If I had let my low expectations dictate whether or not I would have gone, I would have missed out on the following:

• Meeting up with my ICCO colleagues and friends, which I rarely get to do in person
• Supporting my dear friend and colleague in his presentation (awesome)
• Meeting some fascinating people from my home town and from other parts of the globe
• Learning more about the Foundation of Coaching and perhaps becoming more involved
• Lunch and networking meeting with my friend Marion and people from her world
• Planning some future work with someone I respect so highly and would be honoured to work with
• Learning about internal coaching programs from the Deloitte perspective
• Meeting someone from Tokyo Japan and sharing ideas with him about a program in his company

I could go on and on and not have nearly enough time and space to list them all. Even the shuttle bus ride to the airport was an experience as I met coaches who had participated in this event, all fascinating in their own right.

Bottom line is, I could have as many expectations as I want; the best part of these conferences isn’t the continuing credits that I get or even the breakout learning sessions. It’s the people, the cultures that come together, insights, ideas and enough energy to raise the roof! Yes, I have to weigh cost with value, but how does one put a value on being inspired and growing in leaps and bounds?

I made a conscious choice to toss expectations out the window from now on. I had started on that journey but I’m way ahead after this past week.

The question I ask of you is, what expectations do you have that might be holding you back from something amazing, if you’d give it half a chance?

Best..
Donna Karlin

*Note: I often recommend products, technology or services, a book or two or program that will move you forward in some way. Well today is no exception. If you’re a coach or someone who grows people for a living or passion, I recommend you subscribe to IJCO, the International Journal of Coaching in Organizations. It is brimming with ideas, expertise, latest concepts and trends, research and dialogue that you’ll refer to again and again in your work. Every issue brings a new level of awareness. It’s a magnificent publication in every way shape and form. Click here to learn more.

The Many Shapes and Forms of Critics

Are you working for or interacting with someone who is constantly and consistently critical? No matter what you do there’s always an element of something wrong with it? Bullies come in all shapes and forms and are very prevalent in the workplace even at the highest level of leadership which is why, when going on an interview it’s just as important for you to interview the people in the organization as it is for them to interview you.

Critics make you feel about an inch tall. They criticize everything you do and even if the piece of work is great, find a way to criticize how you do it. Often they begin the sentence with “Yes, that’s good, however I would have done it this way…” and begin to describe in great detail how many ways you screwed up.

Often these individuals operate from a position of secrecy. The more information they hoard the easier it is to pull apart the numerous ways you didn’t meet their expectations and didn’t produce. When this behavior continues, you start feeling “Why should I bother if it’s going to be redone anyways and even if it isn’t I certainly won’t get credit for my work.” Eventually, hopefully sooner than later, you start looking around for another job and leave.

When looking to move to another job, one of the key points to look for is staff turnover. If the organization has a revolving door, then run the other way. If this is happening a level below leadership and the powers that be aren’t doing a thing about it, then run faster.

If you’re in a position where you have to deal with a verbal bully, then have some responses ready at the tip of your tongue. Don’t become them and bully back, as what would be the point in that? However show the individual you will not tolerate derisive behavior and challenge them on it. For example a way to respond is “Are you sure you meant to say that?" Would you like to rethink that perhaps?” Nothing like getting clarification as to whether or not they intended to be a bully. To shock them into awareness and not own their words, a good response might be “Did you really say that or was I imagining it?” Then walk away. A verbal tug of war doesn’t get either of you anywhere but if you take the high road and let go of the rope, then there’s nothing to war with. When you answer in one line, toleration-eliminating speech, they eventually back off.

As an organizational leader it’s paramount you keep an eye on the communication style of your managers. If this is at all prevalent you need to nip it in the bud before you end up in a staff exodus, for along with the people who end up walking goes corporate memory, knowledge and wisdom. As well, the possibility of generation wisdom when people are afraid to speak up is severely diminished. Bullying goes well beyond inappropriate behavior. It also speaks to organizational wisdom and excellence.

Bottom line is, if you accept this kind of behaviour, then you’re giving away your personal and organizational power to someone you least respect. What does that say about how you respect yourself?

Best..
Donna Karlin