What (Who) Are You Paying Attention To?

Friendship survival guide: Barbara Mahany has some great points here. And to take it a step further, how about relationship survival guide? Sure you might go out Sat night, but when's the last time you went out on a date during the week on the spur of the moment? Or do you let the 'I have to pick up the kids, do the laundry, watch that program' get in the way of deepening a relationship? Hmm...chores vs. someone who's (supposedly) important to you. What (who) are you paying more attention to?

I can imagine some of you poised and ready to flex your fingers and start typing every reason in the book why you are so busy you don't have time for a middle-of-the-week date. You're about to defend your POV to the hilt. For those of you who are married I'm hearing "I see her / him every day? Why do I have to go on a date?" For those in a long term relationship in separate abodes, perhaps at the beginning you did the spontaneous stuff but do you continue to do that to keep the relationship alive? Stuff you used to do those first few months such as sending notes in the middle of the day, surprise phone calls for no reason?  Those things that don't take much time but do take thoughtfulness. The kind of things that create a smile on someone's face for hours afterwards and gives them the feeling that they're important.

Friends, partners, family...this applies to all. Yep laundry has to be done and there are other times to do it (like when you are watching that special show, maybe even with your S.O.?) and no, you don't always have to pick up the kids if they're old enough to bus it, and whisking your partner away for a dinner out on what was a crazy busy day just might be the perfect gift to show someone how much you care about them.  

You get my drift. 

It's not about busyiness. It's about taking a moment to think about someone you claim to really care about. And if you're about to give me a what for for bringing this up? Just before you press send ask yourself "What or who am I fighting for?"

The laundry will be there tomorrow.  But will that person be?

Why Do I Blog?

I don't write often enough, I know. My readers tell me that on a regular basis....which means they're reading and wanting to read more. There isn't a day that goes by when I'm not asked "Why do you blog?" 

I blog to share, to get my thoughts down in some semblance of coherence. I write so I hear what you have to say on all sorts of topics and write because writing doesn't come easily to me.

To quote one of my favorite bloggers, Seth Godin, "Blogging is free. It doesn't matter if anybody reads it. What matters is the humility that comes from writing it. What matter is the meta-cognition of thinking about what you're going to say. How do you explain yourself to the few employees - or your cat - or whoever is going to look at it? How do you force yourself to describe - in three paragraphs - why you did something? How do you respond out loud? If you're good at it [blogging], some people are going to read it. If you're not good at it, and you stick with it, you'll get good at it. This has become much bigger than, "are you Boing Boing or The Huffington Post?" This has become such a micro-publishing platform that you're basically doing it for yourself... to force yourself to become a part of the conversation, even if it's not that big. That posture change, changes an enormous amount."

Beautifully stated.

So stay tuned as I'm going to be writing more often and look forward to hearing you, what you want to be reading, what you're living and what your three cents are.  

Telecommuting Keeps You Balanced

Well this is refreshing. Data actually supporting telecommuting from a individual perspective.

ScienceDaily (June 2, 2010) — Not surprising: Telecommuters balance work and family life better than office workers.  Surprising: They can maintain that balance even while sometimes squeezing in a couple extra days' worth of work each week. Read on...

We won't go into the challenges to the organization at the moment. Stay tuned for that. Data supports that telecommuters have a better (OK for the record I really don't like this term but will use it here) work / life balance, enables telecommuters to have fuller lives, be more productive and, of course increases the big H or happiness factor. What a concept!

So if people are happier, more productive and you have reasons as long as your arm as to why telecommuting is detrimental to an organization's effectiveness, time to get over it. You just might have to redesign how the organization is structured to support all these happy, productive people. Rather than figure out all the reasons you're going to come up with (and write me about) why it doesn't work, how about figure out how it can and let us know? Let's face it, unhappy people leave an organization. Happy people want to stay and be successful. A building filled with stressed, 'unbalanced' people doesn't sound effective in my book. It might be easier for managers to keep their thumbs on staff and monitor their every 5 minute break  but is that the kind of organization you want to be working in?




 

Living in an anything but linear world

If anyone wonders why I do what I do....it's described beautifully here. Not only do love what I do because it is more who I am than what I do, but because I help people from the first category, find their way into the second and then fly! 

One of the reasons why I Shadow Coach™ is because my clients' worlds are not linear. Their shadows are often revealed when they're not paying attention and their discoveries about themselves and their worlds happen in the moment. Thus, they benefit by being coached in real time as well.

This really makes you think. Check out Sir Ken Robinson on Ted.com

And talk about timing.  This was today's Hugh masterpiece!

The Ins and Outs of Effective Listening

Effective listening is an essential competency for anyone who wishes to be a leader. They need to understand how to motivate and empower others. Active, clarifying listening skills is important when people need direction or advice and prevents us giving premature solutions without having all the facts, thereby very often magnifying the problem rather than solving it. As well, it helps us to avoid misunderstandings coming from wrong interpretations of what is being said. Listening effectively also helps us control feelings and emotions that may be triggered the moment we feel blame comes into play.

Effective and active listening helps one to avoid conflict, obtain knowledge we didn't have before, capture ideas and expand on them with another individual and recognise others for valuable input and contributions to an organisation's success.

When we don't listen to others....hear where they're coming from, we in effect show them they have no value whatsoever. These people are not leaders. They are dictators.

Those who don't listen usually feel they already know what they're going to hear (clairvoyants?) or seek confirmation not information (their way is the only way so why waste time and hear another point of view?).

Be honest with yourself....do any of these ring true? And if you don't want to be honest with yourself, (that would be seeking confirmation of what you want to hear not information), ask those around you what they think.

• You Compare - You don't listen because you're already wondering who is better. (One upmanship)
• You read minds - You already know what they're going to say and are trying to figure out what's behind it (feelings, emotions, water cooler talk etc).
• You're Rehearsing - After the first two words you're already figuring out your response (without really hearing what you'll be responding to. A great way to start conflict)
• You Filter - You hear what you want to hear and filter out the rest.
• You Judge - They're not worthy of your attention, so why waste time listening?
• You Daydream - You listen to a fraction of what's said. You're thinking about your last meeting or date.
• You Identify - Everything they tell brings to mind something that happened to you, but it was MUCH better or worse or faster or ......and jump in with your story right away. Their experience doesn't count.
• You give advice - Miss or Mister Fix-it. After three words you can solve the problems of the world. Oh...there wasn't a problem? (Now there is!)
• You Argue - You love debate. It's been too long...so instead of "hearing" the other person, you're going to look for something to argue about (mentally rubbing your hands together with glee just looking for that first target.....)

Stop!

It's time to realise you don't know everything. Everyone who walks by you, who works and lives with you knows something about life that you don't. Leaders acknowledge this and look to expand their realm of knowledge every minute of every day while strengthening skills and talents at the same time.

A Few Guidelines:

• Listen for ideas, not only facts and ask yourself and the other person what they mean. What it means to you can have an entirely different meaning to someone else. This is how ideas are born.
• Judge what they say not how they say it. Keep your emotions out of it.
• Listen for value. It's in there somewhere.
• Don't judge and jump to conclusions without all the facts.
• Be flexible. How a person communicates isn't necessarily the same as you. And if you don't understand the point, take notes to ask the speaker later.
• Concentrate. Keep eye contact. If you start daydreaming you're just going to have to ask them for the same information again and there's no easy way to do that without showing them you've ignored them the first time around.
• Listen at the Speaker's pace. If you forge ahead, you're going to lose what HE'S saying.
• Open your mind to the possibility that you don't know it all! There might be something new for you to grasp.
• React to what the speaker is saying. Nod, use body language that shows you're listening. Keep eye contact, use language that invites more, and ask for clarification if you don't understand where this is going.
• Listen for the other person's point of view.
• AND LASTLY BE PATIENT!

"Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand." - Karl A. Menninger

Best!
Donna Karlin

Reading

Have I mentioned I love my Kindle?  As a tactile person I wondered how I'd take to this piece of technology. I love the feel of books, turning the pages, the texture of the paper so I'm surprised at how much I have grown to love my Kindle.

I am forever in airports, travelling for work, sometimes commuting to another country for a day at a time. There is something to be said about travelling light, taking my Kindle out at the airport or in another city or country, reading my newspaper from home, being able to call up and download a book in seconds that would benefit me and my clients and being able to take 20 or 30 books with me as reference points, all in this light weight, easy to read piece of technology.

What does that mean for me though?  Bottom line? I'm reading twice as much as I did before. I can read in the in-between times.  I read the paper from cover to cover because I can pick it up everywhere and can read fiction, business books even documents I would have had to wait to get back to my office to access before.

Ahh tech life is good!

For the Sake of ....?

"Progress is built, in effect, upon the foundations of necessary failure. That is the essential paradox of expert performance." - Matthew Syed

Is it always a bad thing when people or organizations fail and have to start over?

We've heard the terms constructive destructionism. We've seen great people come together as teams and create a toxic environment.

Is it better to keep organizations together no matter what or revisit what has to happen "for the sake of what?"

Just askin.