Beware of what you ask for because you just might get it…..

Years ago I was interviewed by Fast Company Magazine on just this subject and yesterday, responding to a thread in a coaching forum I frequent this came back to me.  Many of my clients don’t bring me in because they want to get a promotion or learn to be leaders, rather they bring me in to work with them because they’ve gotten the promotion, are leaders, and are extremely unhappy because for them the haunting questions are “Is this all there is?  What now?”
 
Here they are, successful, at the top of the ladder….a place they’ve strived to attain all their working lives.  They have the house, the vacation house or two, make six or seven figure salaries, have the cars, can take time off when they want, are the decision makers and….. 
 
Now they have no vision for their future, no dream to work towards.  They’re there.  They have few if any allies in the workplace as they’re as high up as one can go.  Their friends aren’t interested in hearing how miserable they are.  After all, here’s a person who has reached his or her highest dream, is there….the picture of success, something few ever attain.  And they’re miserable?  Who would be interested in listening to that when they’re struggling to pay the bills, squeeze in a few days holiday here and there and then have to figure out a way to pay for it the rest of the year.  They’re going to want to hear complaining? I think not.
 
And thus starts a downwards spiral.
 
A favourite quote in this instance comes from Dale Carnegie when he said “Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get."
 
They are not always one in the same.
 
And for some, the reverse is true.  I’ve spoken to clients more times than I can count who tell me how they want their boss’s job or to be promoted to EX level.  My first question is usually “Why?”  I want to know why they want that promotion and what they see their life looking like when they get it.  There are ramifications to all choices even those that look great on paper.  But what responsibility and life changes come from that choice?  Some answer to the effect that they want to move upwards because everyone else thinks they should.  And more than you can believe don’t want that promotion after all.  They’re happy with their lifestyle, income and level of responsibility the way it is.  It’s not a matter of work ethic or drive in our competitive society.  Rather it’s keeping that work/life balance and knowing when to say stop and enjoy life as it is.
 
I’ll leave you with a short story about a fisherman which I think says it brilliantly….
 
An American tourist was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.
 
Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The tourist complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
 
The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."
 
The tourist then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"
 
The Mexican said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs."
 
The tourist then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
 
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."
 
The tourist scoffed, " I can help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You could leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you could run your ever-expanding enterprise."
 
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"
 
The tourist replied, "15 to 20 years."
 
"But what then?" asked the Mexican.
 
The tourist laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
 
"Millions?...Then what?"
 
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
 
Wishing you the best of life….
Donna Karlin  

Looking Within Myself

The other day I asked two colleagues if they would read my case study and critique it before I submitted it. They agreed to happily, without a moment’s pause and really gave of themselves, as they always do, to help me look at what I’d written from all perspectives. Leave it to two other Coaches to ask a gazillion questions along the way : ) I got way more than I could have hoped for. Not so much for the feedback which in itself was fantastic, but for the self-awareness it brought.

One thing that came to mind, was how I am so focused on my clients and their growth, speed of learning, challenges and victories they experience every day, that I don’t realise the impact coaching others has on me, and how much I learn from it.

Today it really hit me. I was in a strategy and debriefing meeting with 4 clients and when I shared with their boss my own feedback about facilitating a retreat with them all, it occurred to me how I rarely see myself in the context of learning and being coached, especially as I am the Coach.

When I was talking to her after the meeting (and subsequently shared this with one of the group as well), I learned how a collaborative partnership between a Coach and willing client goes way past the coaching experience, level of newfound awareness and growth. For me it was the realization of how they trust me absolutely. This group puts themselves in my hands, no matter how many buttons I push or bizarre exercises I ask them to participate in. They do it, knowing they will learn from it. Oh they tease me to death and know the unusual is the usual when it comes to working with me, but they do it and do it happily and can’t wait to share the results afterwards.

So now I have to learn to balance being mindful of my clients as I shadow and coach them through their day, as well as myself and how these new insights can enrich the experience for us both.

Thank you Danielle and Sylvie……you did it again….opening my eyes to what I was missing! A Shadow being shadowed….even long distance. Working with you is like “looking through a wide-angle lens that lets you see the entire forest, not just the one tree limb you walked up on.”

So of course, as I sit here translating that to various scenarios….I wonder how you would all benefit if you let your colleagues shadow or observe you in various situations and help you become aware of what’s right under your nose. Just how powerful would that be?

.........a deep in thought, wishing you the best…
Donna Karlin

What is life?

"What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset." Crowfoot

I love this quote. I keep seeing new things in it. It's not tangibles.....has nothing whatsoever to do with money earned, material possessions, where you live or what you do. It has to do with what is, not what's always in our control. This quote also says to me that life is fleeting, so we have to treat time as the treasure.....not throw it away.

I feel very fortunate. The work I do gives people awareness.....possibilities for change by choice. It allows them to reach for the sky but at the same time celebrate what they already have. It's not chasing rainbows. It's embracing the magic at the end of them. Years ago (as I shared with you before) I decided to prune my life of toxic relationships....those which sucked me dry of energy.....those that made me feel used and discarded. Now I give of my time and energy because I choose to. That in itself energizes me.

Once in a while I find myself pulled down by someone who wants to take control of me and compartmentalize who I am. I can't even do that as I continue to grow and morph into a new person every day. That comes with learning. It's knowledge, skills, and life choices that teach me day by day. The best thing Thomas could ever have shared with me was the concept of ‘Attraction’....choosing what you want in your life as opposed to falling into a life. If I'm not happy with my choice, I have only myself to blame. Recently I made a choice that started sucking me dry of energy. Almost like that voice on the other end of the phone....when you hear it after you've said hello, you close your eyes and wish yourself a thousand miles away rather than listen to complaints, criticisms, or gossip. It can happen on the phone, through email, where everything you say is turned back on you.

What I learned over time, was that once you let go of the rope there is no more tug of war. Why would I want to interact with someone who decided they knew exactly why I said things, do things, knew what it is I wanted (or so they thought) without asking and then judged you based on their own preconceived ideas?

How many of you have people in your lives that do just that? And you go back for more. That's the part that boggles my mind. Today I had an "AHHA!" ....an awareness that I was allowing the same thing to happen to me and put a stop to it. I love my life. I am blessed with wonderful family, friends and clients. I'm at the stage where I don't take on clients I know won't be a good fit with me. Unless I approach them from a position of energy and enthusiasm, I am no good to them. If they're there to do battle with me, I would just as soon let them battle someone else. As hard as I work, and lately that's an understatement, I take time for life as well, meeting friends for dinner, having them drop over for coffee, a walk or just a chat on the phone. My vow has been that work never consumes my time at the price of living life. I choose life and laughter and the company of those I love....just as I choose not to take that time and throw it away on those who want to mold me into their idea of who I am or should be....not mine.

There isn’t a work me and a private me. I am who I am and bring both to the table in both realms of my life. A vow I made today was to take more notice of those fireflies, shadows and fleeting moments that would shape my life for years to come. It will be learning how to say “No” with more ease….”No”, because it’s not what I want or what’s good for me, and to remember to celebrate the freedom to be me that choice gives me.

May many “AHHAs” enlighten you to find your own place in a life you create……a life you love…….

Best!
Donna Karlin

Freedom and Choice of Thought

“If you are still being hurt by an event that happened to you at twelve, it is the thought that is hurting you now”. - James Hillman

All too often I hear colleagues, friends and relatives speak about something that happened years ago with such anger and hurt it’s as if they were reliving the event all over again. When I saw this quote it made so much sense I had to share it. This is exactly so. It’s the thought that hurts years later, not the deed. Why bring it back if it brings you pain? Why not acknowledge it happened, deal with it and move on? You are who you are because of everything you’ve lived and experienced.

I know I’m going to receive many angry comments about this….from people who have been abused, badly treated, survived horrific experiences. All I’m saying is, it’s not the experience that is hurting you any more, it’s the memory of it. One of my favourite quotes of all time was when Richard Carlson said “You can’t have a better past….only the past you’ve had”

Bringing things up over and over again won’t make them go away and be better. It will just become your focus and stop you from moving forward in your life. Is that what you want?

“Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us”. - Stephen Covey

That includes us. How you deal with the present will determine your future. And if you live in a past you hated by rehashing those events over and over, they will become magnified into gargantuan proportions, take over and push aside everything else. You’ll be so busy reliving what you’ve hated, you won’t have time to create a life you love.

All the best…
Donna Karlin

Individualise vs. Institutionalise

“The shape of our lives is defined by our insertion into institutions and systems whose interlocking power generates the "virtual reality" we experience. Such 'knowledge' is so thoroughly a part of our worldview that it simply would not occur to most people to question it. Yet underneath this reality is another, subinstitutional reality in which very different responses are simply acted out. This is the reality in which everyone, until very recently, lived.” - David Schwartz

When I begin working with an executive, a partnership forms. As I Shadow them through their day and routine I look for effectiveness, leadership and how they maintain their individuality within the organization. Leaders foster individual talents and encourage their staff to be unique and bring that uniqueness to the table to enhance the talent of the organization. In order for them to do that, they need to discover their hidden talents and strengths and learn how they compliment others’. That’s where I come in….translating newfound awareness of strengths, talents and skills into tangible change by choice.

In his book on Contrarian Leadership, Steven Sample speaks about leaders maintaining their intellectual independence by thinking in the gray zone, not black and white. Many in leadership roles need to learn how to be better listeners, for what’s spoken and the unspoken modes of communication. They are often too busy to take notice or, in too many cases discount anyone’s opinion but their own or that of the organization’s so why bother in the first place?

What struck me this morning as I was searching for a particular e-book I had seen in an online library I subscribe to, was there was next to nothing on communication (listening, speaking, effective communication) for executives. That is usually the first complaint from staff about their managers and superiors. They don’t listen. One can’t discover talents or ideas of staff without taking notice; listening to perspectives and ideas other than our own. It’s the very basic foundation of good leadership.

By helping your staff pull themselves forward to succeed, leaders need to stop running organizations and start fostering excellence in their direct reports. That is what will create organizational excellence and a strong, sound organizational future.

An organization of clones who don’t rock the boat will eventually disintegrate. Human beings are unique and need that feeling of individuality. Few will stay when they are not valued for who they are. What is an organization if not its people?

“We are so obsessed with doing that we have no time and no imagination left for being. As a result, men are valued not for what they are but for what they do or what they have—for their usefulness.” - Thomas Merton

It’s time to turn that around.

A pot-stirring…
Donna Karlin

What Do You Love?

Recently someone asked me this question. I immediately had an answer and then realised it went deeper than the obvious. I wonder what it would be like to ask that question in a group setting.... or to a significant other, partner, child, parent…..to her the myriad of answers from all perspectives. It’s more than just the question. It’s the feelings the answers evoke, reminding me of everything that’s wonderful in my world…..that of which I have control and much of which has nothing whatsoever to do with me or who I am. I would love to hear your responses and how they made you feel when you recalled them.

I’ll start off with a few of mine…..

The sky when it’s streaked with colour at dusk or dawn
The sound of true laughter
A smile that lights up someone’s whole being
The smell of cinnamon
Golden Retrievers (they smile, have you noticed?)
Unconditional acceptance without judgment
Music, of course : )
Open, stimulating conversation
Learning something new
The ocean….its power, beauty and peace
A sun-filled day
Rainbows
An amazing book

Care to add yours?

As the list ever grows…..I wish you the best…..
Donna Karlin

The Next Five Decades.....

Yesterday marked the beginning of my next 50 years (or so I’m aiming for) of life. I don’t plan to grow up any time soon and as a friend of mine responded (with a smile) to when I said “I have no intentions of growing up any time soon” with “Donna I’ve been friends with you for 43 years and believe me when I tell you that I gave up on those expectations a LONG time ago!”

I realise that my attitude is what keeps me young at heart. As many of us do when we hit a special birthday or milestone in life I thought back on what was and created intentions for what will be…

In the Attraction Program ™ we work on attracting to our life everything that we want with the absence of what we don’t. The distinction there is absence vs. freedom of what we don’t want. With freedom the meaning is that it’s there and we need to get rid of it whereas absence of means it isn’t there in the first place. My intention is to attract to my life exactly what it is I want to such an extent that there will be an absence of everything I don’t. My first intention being not wasting a day I’m gifted with. Even if it’s spent in solitude or rest, it’s being aware of time, my surroundings and everything extraordinary that happens in an ordinary day.

That goes for relationships, to spend my time with those who energise me and accept me exactly the way I am and to not throw away time on those who suck me dry of energy and are takers. To share what I feel, who I am without filters or conditions and give of myself because I want to, not because I have to. To let go of expectations and be wonderfully surprised instead. When I’m upset to share it and when I’m overjoyed to share that too. To always strive to learn and teach what I’ve learned, for when I stop learning is when I stop living.

I decided the next fifty years are for me…..a celebration of sorts. It’s not being selfish and putting myself first to the exclusion of everyone else, but to nourish who I am to such an extent that I have more to give others as well. Or to put it another way, not putting myself last. And in each role as mother, daughter, teacher, student, friend, partner, I will give what I can.

I didn’t blow out any candles last night. I spent it in conversation with my son and contemplation for what it is I want for my future. The celebrations will continue with friends later on in the week. I wanted some quiet time to process my thoughts first. And only when a few days pass will I make that wish and blow out the candles, asking the universe or powers that be to sit up, listen and take notice.

And then time will tell : ) I’ll keep you posted.

In the meanwhile, I thank all who remembered and helped mark the occasion. I am so blessed with family and friends and am especially grateful to them for taking the time and the warmth of thought to share wonderful wishes for me……with me. For me that’s one of life’s best gifts.

It’s quite magical.

Best!
Donna Karlin